Growing and Growing

We teach our kids about patience almost everyday.  Go ahead, ask them.  And if you do, you will hear them recite our family definition of patience: “Waiting for something you want without crying, complaining or getting angry.” From our oldest to the young toddler, they all know the definition.

But what happens when mom or dad are not patient? What happens when we cry, complain or get angry while we are waiting on something? We need to learn a lesson in patience.

We have had some major complications with our latest pregnancy.  Why am I saying we?  I mean, she.  If I could take away the pain from her, I would do it immediately.

But there she is, sitting up all night, wincing with each movement, mumbling and praying for an answer.  If I hear her, I roll over and place my hand on her shoulder.   I whisper, “What can I do?”

The silence tells me nothing.

Exhaustion turns to frustration, which turns to anger.  I’m whining, complaining and getting angry on the inside.  Every now and then it creeps out of my lips.  And I am reminded of my kids’ lesson on patience.

That sounds like good advice for a child wanting to tell you about their day the second you arrive home from work.  It can buy you a few more minutes until (or even postpone) the evening story because you are simply too tired.   Have you been there?  What can you do to find your own patience?

1. Time out. Not in the “punishment” manner, but in the “set yourself aside” and take a break from your circumstances.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as you pull your car into the driveway after a long day of work.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as the kids are whining about how hungry they are just before the meal is placed on the table.  No matter the circumstances, take a “time out” from the circumstance.
2. Meditate or pray. In his pain, King David was crying to the Lord with his voice?, and He answered from His holy mountain. Do you know what happened next?  David said, “I laid down and slept. I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.”  (Ps 3:4-5)  David could have had sleepless nights, but in his rebellion he slept peacefully because he prayed to the Lord, and those prayers were answered.
3. Substitute your wait. Accept the fact that patience requires a time of waiting.  If you expect, plan and prepare for that time of waiting, you can begin to avoid the onset of complaints or anger.  For our children, it means offering them an alternative to whining as they wait for dinner, such as: “Sweetie, I want you think of the story you are going to share with the family during dinner time.  That will give Mommy time to finish preparing the food.”  The same goes for us.

Question: When are you most impatient? What do you do to find comfort?

Image: Alexis Tejada

As my wife and I lay next to each other at the end of a busy day, one of the most often pondered questions is, What are we going to do with our lives?

Okay.  I admit it.  That is my question every evening.  She smiles.  She already knows.  But me … I am overwhelmed with the idea that we, as a family, are not playing to win.  We are simply going through the motions of life, homeschooling, work, church, etc.

Ever feel that way?

King Saul probably felt that way, only he took a different approach to resolve his problems.  When the Philistines pursued Saul and his family, they eventually caught and killed Saul’s three sons.  A fierce battle ensued and ultimately Saul was wounded by the Philistine archers.  Left with what he thought were very few options, King Saul took his own life.  

Saul died for his trespass which he committed against the LORD, because of the word of the LORD which he did not keep; and also because he asked counsel of a medium, making inquiry of it, and did not inquire of the LORD. (1 Chronicles 10:13-14)

Did you catch that?  The scripture says that Saul’s failures were not only active, but were also passive.  He not only did wrong—he failed to do what is right! Saul not only sinned by his actions, but he also sinned by his omissions.

For me and my family, it is not good enough to simply avoid what is wrong.  That is fairly easy…don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t steal.  That’s what we teach our kids.  We need to seek more!  We need to awaken our passive nature and actively pursue what is right.

So, when I ask my Beloved, What are we going to do with our lives?, that’s what I mean:  Let us do more than get by.  Let us pursue, chase, run, sprint towards goodness.

Image: @boetter

This morning I read an article about an 11-year-old who made the winning shot for $50,000 … only he was not the right 11-year-old!  In a charity hockey game, Nick Smith won the raffle for a chance to shoot a 3 inch puck through a 3.5 inch hole from 90 feet away.  Since Nick was outside when his name was called, his twin brother Nate stepped up to attempt the trick.  And he made it!

The boys’  father was caught up in the excitement of the moment and played along with the switcheroo!  However, the next morning the father called promoters to right the wrong: “We thought honesty was the best policy and we wanted to set a good example for our kids.”

Right on, Dad!  My eldest daughter caught the same understanding when she was asked (as punishment) to write an essay on INTEGRITY.  This is what she wrote:

Integrity means to be honest when no one is looking. If you have integrity you will have more privileges and trust and friends. If you have integrity your friends will trust you because they know you are trustworthy in all things and at all times. . . . If you have integrity, you are honest, trustworthy and you are a good friend to have especially when your friend needs help with an outfit choice.

She got most of it right.  As a parent, you love to share moments like these.  As a parent, are you teaching your kids about integrity?

Image: Seabamirum

Surrounded by family and friends this afternoon, I found a moment of reflection in the front yard. A cool breeze. A child’s laugh. A calm minute. A good day.

I have so much to be thankful for today. I received a note from Scott about his son Cooper. Dylan and Cooper were soccer teammates a few years ago when Cooper was diagnosed with cancer. Today was a good day for Scott, too:

I wanted to share with everyone a quick emotional story about Cooper on Monday night of this week.  As you know Cooper is playing T-Ball this year.  On Monday night he and Blake both had games at the same time.  I coach Blakes team and help with Coopers.  So he asked me to come to this game so I did.

On the way over he talked about his leg hurting from playing at school.  He suffers from leg pain due to the radiation so when he has activties he will be in pain at times.  So we stopped and got some childrens Tylenol for the game.  I asked him if he wanted to not play and he said  “dad I am the leader of the team and I have to play”   So he did …

At his first at bat he crushed one past 3rd base (now in t-ball that is a homerun normally).  He could barley make it to first because his leg was hurting so bad.  I had to go carry him off the field.  So I was packing his stuff and he asked me “are we going home” I said yes Cooper and he started crying.   “I want to play”   so we  waited a minute or two.  I went to get him some water and he was gone on the field running and having fun with his teammates.

At the end of the game the coach gave him the game ball and at that point all of his pain went away.  As we are walking to the car he goes “dad are you proud of me” and a big tear rolled down my eye and I said “cooper you are my hero dude” so we took this pciture and look at that smile and hair !!!!!!!!

We have a phrase in our kitchen that says:  “enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things”   this was one of those moments.

Have a great Easter and hug your kids today !!!!

Thanks for the reminder, Scott.

A few weeks ago, I heard a Jewish reading about giving:

THERE ARE eight degrees in the giving of Tsedakah, each one higher than the next:

to give grudgingly, reluctantly, or with regret;

to give less than one should, but with grace;

to give what one should, but only after being asked;

to give before one is asked;

to give without knowing who will receive it, although the recipient
knows the identity of the giver;

to give without making known one’s identity;

to give so that neither giver nor receiver knows the identity of the other;

to help another to become self-supporting, by means of a gift, a loan,
or by finding employment for the one in need.

When I look at my personal “giving” … I feel so inadequate.  I am certainly doing more than some, but way less than others.  My desire, though, is to help others become self-supporting.  What are you giving?

You may think that life in our family is great … just look at our family picture … no problems there, right?  Wrong! You probably remember my grumpy dreams about a lot of stresses in our life.  There’s a big reason why I have been able to post recently, too.  I am simply overwhelmed.

How do you get back on track when feel that your life has been derailed? That’s a lesson for another day … as I am in the process of getting there myself.  But what is important to learn as a dad, husband, and leader is that you should not break your loved ones as you work to get back on track.  Let me explain:

We have a teenager.  Years ago, this teenager pleaded with us to get a cat.  I said no.  Wife said yes.  We have a cat.

Recently … almost a full year now … the teenager has been neglecting her litter-box-changing-duties.  And if the box is too full, the cat likes to use my closet as its own personal outhouse.  Well, recently I came home to find another fresh, smelly “leftover” left over in my closet.

I lost it! Not the cat, but my patience!

I yelled.  I yelled loudly.

Moments later, I was crushed because I knew that I had crushed someone else’s spirit.  Yeah, you know, that teenager who begged me for the cat was broken … by me.  I cannot described how terrible I felt.  It was like the “bad man” in You just broke your child. Congratulations … If you have not read Dan’s post, it is well worth the read.

While I could go on, and on, and on, about what to do when your kid’s cat poops in your closet, the real lesson is … don’t break your child while working through the conflict.

Image: Stephen Baack

I am in the midst of a speaking extravaganza … speaking at construction conferences in Texas, North Carolina and New Mexico.   During the first leg of my trip, I had dinner with Cordell Parvin, a mentor and friend.  Cordell was one of the top transportation construction lawyers in the country and he now acts as a marketing coach for lawyers.   In his book Prepare to Win: A Lawyer’s Guide to Rainmaking, Career Success and Life Fulfillment, Cordell described his personal journey of finding passion in his life as follows:

“I once did not give much thought to why I was practicing law.  I just got out of bed every day and did it.  I then went through a stage where it was all about me.  I focused on generating a lot of business and building my reputation.  When I stopped focusing on myself and instead concentrated on how to help my construction clients become successful, I actually became infinitely more successful.”

Although there are countless strategies and tips in Cordell’s book about what it takes to make rain in the legal industry, I found great wisdom that applies to family life.  You see, whether you are talking about a successful legal career, off-the-chart sales numbers, or a cohesive and fulfilling family life, you have to take the time to both plan and prepare for success.

PLANNING: For family success, planning involves taking the time to sit down and mapping out your family desires.  Why is family important?  What does it mean to have a fulfilled family life?  What things are preventing you from achieving those things?  After identifying where you want to be as a family, you have to set some goals.  As a busy father, these may look like the following:

• Over the next three months, I want to improve my communication with my wife.
• Over the next three months, I want to identify the love languages of each of my children.

I don’t have all the answers, but what I do have is a strong desire to change.  Will you engage in this exercise with me?  Will you take a few moments out of your weekend and identify where you can be a better spouse or parent?

PREPARING FOR RAIN: We cannot just stop at goal-making and wishful-thinking.  We have to then take the next step to prepare for a successful family.  In other words, you have to identify those things that are getting in the way of your goals and the things that will help you attain them.  Again, these may look something like the following:

• I am not going to turn on the television in the evening until after I had a conversation with my wife … a real conversation, too!
• Each Saturday afternoon, I am going to spend special time with a particular child while the others are napping.

My all time favorite football movie is Facing the Giants.  Looking to encourage the defeated coach with a  few words of wisdom, the local pastor in Facing the Giants recounts the following story:

“There were two farmers who desperately needed rain in a drought.  And both of them prayed for rain, but only one of them went out to plow his field to receive the rain.  Now, which farmer trusted and believed that God as going to send rain?”

In your family, are you preparing for rain? Unfortunately … and I know this for a fact … there is not a quick-and-easy formula that will lead to an overnight success.  If I had one final word of encourage … it would be to keep plowing ahead. You cannot be discouraged by the drought in either your marriage, relationship with your children, health, or even career.  I remember the late nights as a young attorney in Virginia.  I was often working past midnight and never saw my children.  I had a short temper.  I did not like who I was becoming.  Often I would climb into bed with my wife and groan, “I can’t do this any more.”  She would always whisper words of encouragement: “Honey, just a few more days and you will be prepared for this case.  And when you win, we can go celebrate as a family.”

I am in the process of writing a family plan.  While I do so, let me whisper in your ear:  Please join me … keep plowing ahead … keep preparing for the rain … you can make it.

Over the past few months, I have faced the following stresses: (1) tackling a new job; (2) welcoming a new baby to the family; (3) assisting in the merger of two churches; and  (4) dealing with a cracked foundation in our house.  During this time, my wife has cornered me on more than one occasion to let me know how “grumpy” I have been with the children and with her.  My first reaction … No way!  You’re the grumpy one, chica!

I soon realized that my wife was right when I started dreaming in grumpy. I actually woke up last week at about 4:00 a.m. with anger in my mind and a frown on my face.  I woke up from an insanely realistic dream where I was yelling at my children, picking apart my wife and kicking the cat.   I woke up and wanted to run away from myself.

Language studies show that if you begin to dream in a foreign language, then you are comfortable with the foreign language and may be on the verge of fluency.  So what does it mean when you dream that you are angry and “on edge” with everyone?  I think it means you are angry and “on edge” with everyone … and on the verge of hurting those you most care about.  Here is what you can do turn those dreams around?

• If you’ve yelled at your kids, it is never too late to apologize. Even where a few days has gone by, my children truly appreciate (and understand) when I take them to the side to “say sorry” for being grumpy.  Addy Joy, do you remember when Daddy yelled at you two days ago for getting out of bed?  Well, I am sorry.  I should not have yelled at you.  It is your job to stay in bed and it is my job to teach you to obey instructions.  But it was wrong of me to yell at you.  Will you forgive me? Those words can make a huge impact on a child.
• If you’ve been short with your wife, it is never too late to open up to her. Just because my wife is an adult, I cannot assume that she will fully appreciate the stress that consumes me during the day.  I am learning to make a concerted effort to take a few “moments of silence” after pulling into the driveway to prepare for my entrance into the home.  Again, the words are simple: Honey-babe-schmoopy-pie … I am sorry for not understanding how my stresses affect you and the kids.  It’s been tough on me for the past few days and I forget that we are on the same team.  Will you forgive me? Most of the time, she will embrace you with open arms.  And by the way, sweetie, wanna make out?
• If are you dreaming in grumpy, it is never too late to change. Luckily for me (and for my family), I have only had one grumpy dream.  But it was a huge wake-up call (…pun intended…) that I needed to change my attitude toward my children.  I realize that my grumpiness is not going to solve the stresses that are making me grumpy.  Does that make sense?  If eating ice cream is not going to help me lose weight, then why would yelling at my kids solve the stresses of a new job, a new baby, a church merger or a cracked foundation?  It won’t.

Are you dreaming in grumpy?  If so, how can you turn those dreams around?

Image: sokab

A couple of weeks ago while driving to work, I saw a man and his young song walking along Broadway in downtown Nashville.   I witnessed a great lesson in parenting … leading with love, standing side-by-side, and pressing forward.

Leading in love, side-by-side, pressing forward.

The extraordinary thing about this event was that the young boy was blind.  It appeared to have been a recent condition because the father was trying to teach his son how to navigate with a walking stick.   As exhibited by this father, parenting involves the following:

1. Leading with love is about reaching the heart of your child. Too often I get caught up in the outward behavior of my children and forget about the inward heart.  I’m learning that if I reach the heart my children, and teach them the lesson that will be forever pressed in their soul, then their “good behavior” will follow.  This father did not waste any time, energy and frustration just to get his son to walk straight and avoid objects like street signs and benches.  He was focused on his son’s challenges and building his heart and esteem to face those challenges.
2. Standing side-by-side is right where your kids need you to be.  For this father helping his blind son to walk … there he stood right by his son’s side.  Leading him … hand to arm … arm to hand … down the street.  Then the father would let go, while continuing to walk by his side.  As parents, we need to not only stand beside our children, we need to get down on their level and talk to them eye-to-eye.  I mean this literally and figuratively.  Literally, our kids need to see our eyes when we talk to them (and particularly when we talk about life issues).  Figuratively, they need to know we understand what they are saying.  For instance, if your young man is excited about his green bean, pickle, and peanut butter “Alien Sandwich” … then so should you.
3. Pressing forward means we must continually grow. In life, our children will be challenged to accept mediocrity, the norm, or the worldly standard of what is considered “right.”  As parents, we have to push, press, encourage and in some instances force them to reach for excellence.  Notice I did not say, perfection, but excellence. We must not get caught up in the mistakes we have made in the past.  Press forward in all things.

As I watched this father lead  his blind son along a busy street in downtown Nashville, I wondered truly about the father’s resolve and the son’s reliance.  Certainly, this man could have bullied his son to use or rely on that walking stick.  But that is not what I witnessed.  And the son, at some point in this experience, ultimately had to come to the realization that he was going to rely on his father’s leading.

Question: Are you leading your children in love, side-by-side, pressing forward?

Image: justinknol

I have been praying with my children a lot more recently.  If the kids are sitting down for breakfast and I am running late to work, I stop and pray over them God’s blessings.  When there is a stubbed toe or cat scratch, we pray before finding the Barbie Bandaid.  And when we do our evening tuck-ins,  prayer comes before books, songs or tickles.

Sounds like I got it all together, right?  NOT AT ALL!  We are a work in progress … we are growing and growing in our faith.  But here is what I have learned about how to pray with your children:

1. Make it about God. Remember the ultimate point of the prayer . . . to communicate with our Creator . . . to praise Him for all things . . . to thank Him for the blessings he bestows . . . to ask Him for wisdom . . . to hand Him your worries . . . to claim His healing.  Your children need to hear these words on a regular basis so they “get it” later in life.
2. Make it about the child. After giving thanks and praise to God, we then pray about other friends and family.  Then we conclude with our own desires and struggles.  For each of my children, I use age appropriate words and always pray for: (a) their past day; (b) their evening protection; (c) their tomorrow’s blessings; and (d) their future contribution to the Kingdom.
3. Make it fun and joyful. Last time I checked, there was not an Eleventh Commandment — Thou shalt not have fun. Instead, we are to go to the altar of God with our “exceeding joy” (Ps. 43:4).  To me, this means having a joyful and vibrant voice of excite when I pray with my kids.  Be animated.  Let them experience joyful prayer flowing from your lips.  It’s perfectly okay to say “dude” in your prayer with your six-year-old boy, which sounds something like this:

Father, I just thank you for the strong little man that you gave to our family.  I ask that you continue to strengthen Dylan in all that he does.  Build him. Use him. Make him into a great, God-loving, change all nations, people leading, prayer warrior dude!!!

When I see the smile on the little one’s face as we say Amen . . . I know that I reached his heart and mind.

There are really two major reasons to pray with your children.  First, to communicate with God as a family.  Second, to teach your little one how to pray.  If you are just trying to check “pray with kid” off your checklist, then your heart is really not there.  Are your praying with your children?  Why not?