Growing and Growing

The most important person you are going to listen to today is yourself.  Those are not my words—they are the words of John Maxwell on his leadership blog.

As Maxwell explains, there are a lot of voices we hear throughout the day, but the one that has the most positive upside or most negative downside is … what we say to ourselves … what Maxwell calls self-talk.

The point is 100% correct.  But what if you have been beaten down by a parent, spouse, boss or other person for so many years that you are stuck in negative self-talk?  What do you do to get unstuck and start talking/hearing positive self-talk?  Hear are a few ideas:

• Recognize you are not alone.  There is a reason why leaders like John Maxwell and Michael Hyatt are successful.  Because they help hurting, struggling people.  And this world is full of hurting, struggling people:  You are one. I am one. Your best friend is one. Your neighbor is one. Your pastor is one.  We are not alone with our struggles and one of the best parts of the Internet is the ability to connect with others, finding a wealth of commonalities.  Look around.  When you recognize that you are not alone in your struggles, you gain the ability to walk side-by-side a negative self talker or to follow a positive self talker.
• Realize your potential.  Mom always told me that God does not make junk.  Whatever your faith, you (and your past) are living proof that you can always do better.  Remember the first elementary school project you had?  The next one got better.  Remember the first lawn you mowed in the summer heat?  The next time you did it faster.  Remember the first song you sang in public?  The next one you sang was more melodious.  The point is that we all have talents and passions. No matter what negative things can be said about you (…by you…), there is untapped potential in you to shine.  I believe it!  Do you?
• Re-assess your talk.  I use the word re-assess because you have to go back to the drawing board.  If you are mired down in low self esteem, you have already assessed your value (…albeit incorrectly…).  You have to re-assess, meaning DO IT AGAIN BUT THIS TIME CORRECTLY.  With a clear lens, see that you are not alone, you have great potential, and that the negative things you have been telling yourself for years is simply wrong.
• Repeat daily.  This is perhaps the hardest part.  You may believe in yourself just a little bit more after reading these words.  You may find an ounce of passion that you once had that got lost after years of negativity.  You may ignite a spark to get unstuck out of old patterns.  But the world and your circumstances are not going to change overnight.  You have to repeat this assessment everyday you get up, you have to turn on the positive self talk, and you have to reject the negative self talk.

Question: What tips do you have to help turn the negative talk to positive talk?

 Image: John Newman

Our family had a burial ceremony this weekend.  No, it was not for the hermit crab (…he died years ago…).  No, it was not for the water frogs (…inexplicably they are still alive…).  It was for a few invited guests that we let come into our house.  They have overstayed their welcome and we were ready to kick them out.  Do they live in your home?

Sarcasm. Yelling. Bad Attitudes.

As we sat down for family time yesterday afternoon, I apologized to the kids for my sarcasm and yelling.  I told them that I did not like raising my voice to get them to listen to something.  I told them that my words had not been sincere when they asked me questions.  I told them, “I’m sorry.”  Finally, I told them I was willing to give up sarcasm and yelling.  We spent the next few minutes talking about things they were willing to give up, too.  One said, “Yelling at my sisters.” (…I guess you can “catch” behaviors…).  One said, “Bad attitude.”  One said, “Pizza!” (…We’ll give her a couple of years to catch up…).

We then drew a picture of our sacrifices on a 3×5 card and proceeded out back to the burial site.  We dug a hole and we placed our cards in the hole.  We talked to the kids about making choices in life and how can accept our bad behaviors or get rid of them.  And in the crisp, cool weather yesterday afternoon … we buried sarcasm, yelling and bad attitudes.

When you decide that you are tired of just “getting by” with the same old attitudes, then you can do something about it.  When you are ready to “play to win,” then you can make a change.  If you are ready to make a change in your life, I suggest that you have your own burial ceremony.  Here are few things to remember:

• It is never too late.  A habit is never too old to break.  It may be difficult, but you can decide to change your patterns of behavior whenever you want.  You also don’t need a house full of children in order to decide to change.  Your behaviors may affect a spouse or a friend.  They may affect your health or your work.  The important aspect is that you can decide to change … today.
• It takes a plan.  Concerned about my sarcastic words, I knew that I needed to do something more than stop talking.  (…I talk for a living…).  Instead, I knew that I had to write down on paper what I was willing to set aside for my children.  I had to admit that I was wrong.  I then had to take a physical act of abandonment.   You may not need a ceremony.  Perhaps you want to reign in your spending—try freezing your credit card in a bag of water in the freezer.  Addicted to swear words?  Set up a “swear jar” and donate some Benjamins every time you cuss.  Make a plan and stick to it.
• It may fail, but stay focused.  Finally, realize that you are human and that you are likely to fail.  In fact, just a few moments after I buried sarcasm yesterday, I found my silver tongue snapping at my wife about something she had asked me to do weeks ago.  Luckily, she was smart enough to remind me about our burial ceremony and she put me back in place.  Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “Men succeed when they realize that their failures are the preparation for their victories.”  When you realize that you are going to fail, you are free to succeed.  Henry Ford failed numerous times in business before he finally went on to build the Ford Motor Company.

Question:  What have you let in your home that needs a burial ceremony?

As many of you know, I am a construction lawyer in Nashville, Tennessee.  Last fall, I came home to a fresh layer of asphalt throughout our development.  Smooth. Warm. Black.  It looked great!  Then my kids … 5 out of 6 of them … pulled out the chalk and began destroying this perfect surface.

Since their daddy represents road builders, they even created their own lanes of traffic.  I am sure they did not commission any environmental impact studies.  Nor did they properly carry out lane closures.  (…amateurs…)

My immediate reaction was to get mad … They were playing in the street! They were ruining perfectly good asphalt.  But then the quiet voice reassured me.  They are kids … and they are going to be alright.

Do you get stressed by juggling professional demands and family life?  Here are some reasons why you should let your kids plays on new asphalt:

• Let your kids be kids.  Too often, I confuse “good behavior” with “good character.”  I think my job as a parent is to instill good character, which naturally should result in good behavior. Right?  But when my focus is on their actions, rather than their heart, I become rule-driven.  Wake up, Matt, they are kids.  Let them play!  That’s what new asphalt is for … bright colored chalk!
• Let yourself be a kid.  My job as parent does not end with allowing my kids to play, though.  I need to play with them.  In this instance, I flopped down on the new, black street and began drawing.  The giggles of the little ones at my side, laughing at my “less than perfect” stick figure was all I needed.  This was fun.
• Live one life.  Most of my hurdles over the past ten years have stemmed from that fact that I tried to compartmentalize every aspect of my daily life (i.e., work, health, family, friendships, etc). Each had their own little box. Until I came to the realization that there is only room for one life, there was conflict.  I suspect that you will experience the same.  That means, if you are a passionate executive, then take that passion home to your family.  If you work great with your kids, then work great with your staff and employees.

Question: Are you juggling work and family and community?  What tips can you share about finding the right balance?

We teach our kids about patience almost everyday.  Go ahead, ask them.  And if you do, you will hear them recite our family definition of patience: “Waiting for something you want without crying, complaining or getting angry.” From our oldest to the young toddler, they all know the definition.

But what happens when mom or dad are not patient? What happens when we cry, complain or get angry while we are waiting on something? We need to learn a lesson in patience.

We have had some major complications with our latest pregnancy.  Why am I saying we?  I mean, she.  If I could take away the pain from her, I would do it immediately.

But there she is, sitting up all night, wincing with each movement, mumbling and praying for an answer.  If I hear her, I roll over and place my hand on her shoulder.   I whisper, “What can I do?”

The silence tells me nothing.

Exhaustion turns to frustration, which turns to anger.  I’m whining, complaining and getting angry on the inside.  Every now and then it creeps out of my lips.  And I am reminded of my kids’ lesson on patience.

That sounds like good advice for a child wanting to tell you about their day the second you arrive home from work.  It can buy you a few more minutes until (or even postpone) the evening story because you are simply too tired.   Have you been there?  What can you do to find your own patience?

1. Time out. Not in the “punishment” manner, but in the “set yourself aside” and take a break from your circumstances.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as you pull your car into the driveway after a long day of work.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as the kids are whining about how hungry they are just before the meal is placed on the table.  No matter the circumstances, take a “time out” from the circumstance.
2. Meditate or pray. In his pain, King David was crying to the Lord with his voice?, and He answered from His holy mountain. Do you know what happened next?  David said, “I laid down and slept. I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.”  (Ps 3:4-5)  David could have had sleepless nights, but in his rebellion he slept peacefully because he prayed to the Lord, and those prayers were answered.
3. Substitute your wait. Accept the fact that patience requires a time of waiting.  If you expect, plan and prepare for that time of waiting, you can begin to avoid the onset of complaints or anger.  For our children, it means offering them an alternative to whining as they wait for dinner, such as: “Sweetie, I want you think of the story you are going to share with the family during dinner time.  That will give Mommy time to finish preparing the food.”  The same goes for us.

Question: When are you most impatient? What do you do to find comfort?

Image: Alexis Tejada

You may think that life in our family is great … just look at our family picture … no problems there, right?  Wrong! You probably remember my grumpy dreams about a lot of stresses in our life.  There’s a big reason why I have been able to post recently, too.  I am simply overwhelmed.

How do you get back on track when feel that your life has been derailed? That’s a lesson for another day … as I am in the process of getting there myself.  But what is important to learn as a dad, husband, and leader is that you should not break your loved ones as you work to get back on track.  Let me explain:

We have a teenager.  Years ago, this teenager pleaded with us to get a cat.  I said no.  Wife said yes.  We have a cat.

Recently … almost a full year now … the teenager has been neglecting her litter-box-changing-duties.  And if the box is too full, the cat likes to use my closet as its own personal outhouse.  Well, recently I came home to find another fresh, smelly “leftover” left over in my closet.

I lost it! Not the cat, but my patience!

I yelled.  I yelled loudly.

Moments later, I was crushed because I knew that I had crushed someone else’s spirit.  Yeah, you know, that teenager who begged me for the cat was broken … by me.  I cannot described how terrible I felt.  It was like the “bad man” in You just broke your child. Congratulations … If you have not read Dan’s post, it is well worth the read.

While I could go on, and on, and on, about what to do when your kid’s cat poops in your closet, the real lesson is … don’t break your child while working through the conflict.

Image: Stephen Baack

Over the past few months, I have faced the following stresses: (1) tackling a new job; (2) welcoming a new baby to the family; (3) assisting in the merger of two churches; and  (4) dealing with a cracked foundation in our house.  During this time, my wife has cornered me on more than one occasion to let me know how “grumpy” I have been with the children and with her.  My first reaction … No way!  You’re the grumpy one, chica!

I soon realized that my wife was right when I started dreaming in grumpy. I actually woke up last week at about 4:00 a.m. with anger in my mind and a frown on my face.  I woke up from an insanely realistic dream where I was yelling at my children, picking apart my wife and kicking the cat.   I woke up and wanted to run away from myself.

Language studies show that if you begin to dream in a foreign language, then you are comfortable with the foreign language and may be on the verge of fluency.  So what does it mean when you dream that you are angry and “on edge” with everyone?  I think it means you are angry and “on edge” with everyone … and on the verge of hurting those you most care about.  Here is what you can do turn those dreams around?

• If you’ve yelled at your kids, it is never too late to apologize. Even where a few days has gone by, my children truly appreciate (and understand) when I take them to the side to “say sorry” for being grumpy.  Addy Joy, do you remember when Daddy yelled at you two days ago for getting out of bed?  Well, I am sorry.  I should not have yelled at you.  It is your job to stay in bed and it is my job to teach you to obey instructions.  But it was wrong of me to yell at you.  Will you forgive me? Those words can make a huge impact on a child.
• If you’ve been short with your wife, it is never too late to open up to her. Just because my wife is an adult, I cannot assume that she will fully appreciate the stress that consumes me during the day.  I am learning to make a concerted effort to take a few “moments of silence” after pulling into the driveway to prepare for my entrance into the home.  Again, the words are simple: Honey-babe-schmoopy-pie … I am sorry for not understanding how my stresses affect you and the kids.  It’s been tough on me for the past few days and I forget that we are on the same team.  Will you forgive me? Most of the time, she will embrace you with open arms.  And by the way, sweetie, wanna make out?
• If are you dreaming in grumpy, it is never too late to change. Luckily for me (and for my family), I have only had one grumpy dream.  But it was a huge wake-up call (…pun intended…) that I needed to change my attitude toward my children.  I realize that my grumpiness is not going to solve the stresses that are making me grumpy.  Does that make sense?  If eating ice cream is not going to help me lose weight, then why would yelling at my kids solve the stresses of a new job, a new baby, a church merger or a cracked foundation?  It won’t.

Are you dreaming in grumpy?  If so, how can you turn those dreams around?

Image: sokab

A couple of weeks ago while driving to work, I saw a man and his young song walking along Broadway in downtown Nashville.   I witnessed a great lesson in parenting … leading with love, standing side-by-side, and pressing forward.

Leading in love, side-by-side, pressing forward.

The extraordinary thing about this event was that the young boy was blind.  It appeared to have been a recent condition because the father was trying to teach his son how to navigate with a walking stick.   As exhibited by this father, parenting involves the following:

1. Leading with love is about reaching the heart of your child. Too often I get caught up in the outward behavior of my children and forget about the inward heart.  I’m learning that if I reach the heart my children, and teach them the lesson that will be forever pressed in their soul, then their “good behavior” will follow.  This father did not waste any time, energy and frustration just to get his son to walk straight and avoid objects like street signs and benches.  He was focused on his son’s challenges and building his heart and esteem to face those challenges.
2. Standing side-by-side is right where your kids need you to be.  For this father helping his blind son to walk … there he stood right by his son’s side.  Leading him … hand to arm … arm to hand … down the street.  Then the father would let go, while continuing to walk by his side.  As parents, we need to not only stand beside our children, we need to get down on their level and talk to them eye-to-eye.  I mean this literally and figuratively.  Literally, our kids need to see our eyes when we talk to them (and particularly when we talk about life issues).  Figuratively, they need to know we understand what they are saying.  For instance, if your young man is excited about his green bean, pickle, and peanut butter “Alien Sandwich” … then so should you.
3. Pressing forward means we must continually grow. In life, our children will be challenged to accept mediocrity, the norm, or the worldly standard of what is considered “right.”  As parents, we have to push, press, encourage and in some instances force them to reach for excellence.  Notice I did not say, perfection, but excellence. We must not get caught up in the mistakes we have made in the past.  Press forward in all things.

As I watched this father lead  his blind son along a busy street in downtown Nashville, I wondered truly about the father’s resolve and the son’s reliance.  Certainly, this man could have bullied his son to use or rely on that walking stick.  But that is not what I witnessed.  And the son, at some point in this experience, ultimately had to come to the realization that he was going to rely on his father’s leading.

Question: Are you leading your children in love, side-by-side, pressing forward?

Image: justinknol

Earlier this week, I posted about the “Homeless” Homeless … with the primary points being that: (1) Tent City had been washed away in Nashville’s flooding; and (2) the homeless population living in Tent City were now “homeless.”

All week, Lambscroft Ministries and Woodbine Church has been housing and feeding up to 30 of those “homeless” homeless. We have also been collecting donations of clothing, toiletries, food, water, and many other items. Yesterday, my dad (the pastor) a dozen of the homeless men and women set out to help the newly decorated homeless … the ones who lost everything in the storms. See it for yourself:

These men and women delivered a considerable amount of items to WA Bass Middle School for distribution to the needy in that area. While there, the team helped many of the families clean up their properties. The team has been asked to return today and to bring whatever they can for distribution to those in need. What can you do?

1. Understand that you can make a difference. It does not matter whether your contribution is $1 or $100; one pair of shoes or 100 pairs of shoes; 1 hour of time or 100 hours of time. Many of these distraught people just want your support.
2. Understand that the homeless are not heartless. Having spent many evenings over the past few months with these men and women, I have come to love and cherish our friendship. And now, to see them out helping others recover from a loss of having a home, it has shown me a deep appreciation for the heart.
3. Understand that the time to act is now. Again, it does not matter what your contribution, the important thing is to act now … lend a helping hand … buy an extra few gallons of water … set aside a few extra dollars. If you have not made a difference in someone’s life in the past, you can start today.

My wife and kids have been out of town for close to two weeks. Right when they returned, I was tied up in a trial and then jetted out of town for a couple of days. The joy when I returned was inexplicable. We all hugged … kissed … and laughed.

That joy lasted about 15 minutes and the challenge of parenthood returned. Bills stacked up on the counter, light bulbs out in 10 sockets, children fighting over what I brought them home from my trips, and my lovely wife just wanting a few moments of silent. These are the circumstances when the Daddy … a real man … has to step up to fulfill his role as Parent Leader. And that place is somewhere between dictator and welcome mat. Here is what I mean:

• A parent leader is not a dictator. Too often, I confuse Christianity as a “well behaved” person and I think my job is to raise little “well behaved” persons. My job is to teach them to love the Lord with all their heart, mind and strength. My wife often reminds me that a good leader leads … not dictates. Understanding this concept, childhood discipline from the parent is more like a boundary that keeps the child on the right track, rather than a bouncer who strongholds the kid back into place.
• A parent leader is not a welcome mat. On the other end of the spectrum, there are a number of parents in today’s society who simply want to “friend” their children in the FaceBook game of life. Love and devotion to your children should not be mistaken as a license to have a chummy, “BF” or pal relationship with them. You cannot let your children (or their friends) walk all over you like a welcome mat. Practically, this means: you are the parent, they are the child. Don’t blur the distinction.
• A parent leader is somewhere in the middle. I can’t tell you exactly where that middle spot is located because we are trying to find that right balance. In our family … each family is different … I tend to be the dictator and my wife tends to be the welcome mat. Here’s the thing, we realize that we need to run to the middle. My wife prays for strength to be more rigid in what she will allow the kids to say and do during the day. I pray for strength not to crush the kids’ spirits after I walk into the house following a long, hard day.

Are you a parent leader? As you look at the sincerity of your heart, ask yourself whether you are “provoking your children to anger” or are you “bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:7)

For career development … Cordell Parvin is a fellow Richmond Spider (…although a few years before me…) and former construction attorney. I came across Cordell’s name about 6-7 years ago when I was contemplating a move to Dallas, Texas and I reached out to fellow law school alums. While that venture did not turn out, I have kept in touch with Cordell regularly through his books, blog, and Tweets. While you can find a lot by browsing his blog, my favorite year-end posts include:

• Why You Should Create a 2010 Plan … Cordell has a webinar on this topic today.
• Practical Tips on How to Do Year End Planning
• And today’s post about Planning at the 50,000 Foot Level

For balancing family and career and life … sure you have your Zig Ziglar’s, your John Maxwell’s, and even your Rick Warren’s … but my favorite, local, “living-life-right” model is Nashville’s own Michael Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing. I first started following Michael’s blog, Leading with Purpose, at the beginning of this year when I revved up my career planning and life assessment. Michael is a model husband-father-businessman-leader, who Tweets about leadership and life. Here are a few of my favorite posts, including the year-end assessment:

• Seven Questions to Ask about Last Year … the Year Ahead post is expected soon.
• Five Characteristics of Weak Leaders, which gives you a look at how not to lead.
• Two Approaches to Influencing the Family … notice that Michael likes numbers!

For sheer motivation … speaker and author Andy Andrew challenges you to evaluate the importance of halftime. As for me, this week is my “halftime” moment and the second half is about to begin. The year 2010 presents some great opportunities for my career, my family, my community and my church. How about you? I know. I have lived them, too. The past few years have been tough. But the best years lie ahead.

What are you going to do to make 2010 different? … or better yet … What are you going to do to make a difference in 2010?