Growing and Growing

We teach our kids about patience almost everyday.  Go ahead, ask them.  And if you do, you will hear them recite our family definition of patience: “Waiting for something you want without crying, complaining or getting angry.” From our oldest to the young toddler, they all know the definition.

But what happens when mom or dad are not patient? What happens when we cry, complain or get angry while we are waiting on something? We need to learn a lesson in patience.

We have had some major complications with our latest pregnancy.  Why am I saying we?  I mean, she.  If I could take away the pain from her, I would do it immediately.

But there she is, sitting up all night, wincing with each movement, mumbling and praying for an answer.  If I hear her, I roll over and place my hand on her shoulder.   I whisper, “What can I do?”

The silence tells me nothing.

Exhaustion turns to frustration, which turns to anger.  I’m whining, complaining and getting angry on the inside.  Every now and then it creeps out of my lips.  And I am reminded of my kids’ lesson on patience.

That sounds like good advice for a child wanting to tell you about their day the second you arrive home from work.  It can buy you a few more minutes until (or even postpone) the evening story because you are simply too tired.   Have you been there?  What can you do to find your own patience?

1. Time out. Not in the “punishment” manner, but in the “set yourself aside” and take a break from your circumstances.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as you pull your car into the driveway after a long day of work.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as the kids are whining about how hungry they are just before the meal is placed on the table.  No matter the circumstances, take a “time out” from the circumstance.
2. Meditate or pray. In his pain, King David was crying to the Lord with his voice?, and He answered from His holy mountain. Do you know what happened next?  David said, “I laid down and slept. I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.”  (Ps 3:4-5)  David could have had sleepless nights, but in his rebellion he slept peacefully because he prayed to the Lord, and those prayers were answered.
3. Substitute your wait. Accept the fact that patience requires a time of waiting.  If you expect, plan and prepare for that time of waiting, you can begin to avoid the onset of complaints or anger.  For our children, it means offering them an alternative to whining as they wait for dinner, such as: “Sweetie, I want you think of the story you are going to share with the family during dinner time.  That will give Mommy time to finish preparing the food.”  The same goes for us.

Question: When are you most impatient? What do you do to find comfort?

Image: Alexis Tejada

You may think that life in our family is great … just look at our family picture … no problems there, right?  Wrong! You probably remember my grumpy dreams about a lot of stresses in our life.  There’s a big reason why I have been able to post recently, too.  I am simply overwhelmed.

How do you get back on track when feel that your life has been derailed? That’s a lesson for another day … as I am in the process of getting there myself.  But what is important to learn as a dad, husband, and leader is that you should not break your loved ones as you work to get back on track.  Let me explain:

We have a teenager.  Years ago, this teenager pleaded with us to get a cat.  I said no.  Wife said yes.  We have a cat.

Recently … almost a full year now … the teenager has been neglecting her litter-box-changing-duties.  And if the box is too full, the cat likes to use my closet as its own personal outhouse.  Well, recently I came home to find another fresh, smelly “leftover” left over in my closet.

I lost it! Not the cat, but my patience!

I yelled.  I yelled loudly.

Moments later, I was crushed because I knew that I had crushed someone else’s spirit.  Yeah, you know, that teenager who begged me for the cat was broken … by me.  I cannot described how terrible I felt.  It was like the “bad man” in You just broke your child. Congratulations … If you have not read Dan’s post, it is well worth the read.

While I could go on, and on, and on, about what to do when your kid’s cat poops in your closet, the real lesson is … don’t break your child while working through the conflict.

Image: Stephen Baack

Over the past few months, I have faced the following stresses: (1) tackling a new job; (2) welcoming a new baby to the family; (3) assisting in the merger of two churches; and  (4) dealing with a cracked foundation in our house.  During this time, my wife has cornered me on more than one occasion to let me know how “grumpy” I have been with the children and with her.  My first reaction … No way!  You’re the grumpy one, chica!

I soon realized that my wife was right when I started dreaming in grumpy. I actually woke up last week at about 4:00 a.m. with anger in my mind and a frown on my face.  I woke up from an insanely realistic dream where I was yelling at my children, picking apart my wife and kicking the cat.   I woke up and wanted to run away from myself.

Language studies show that if you begin to dream in a foreign language, then you are comfortable with the foreign language and may be on the verge of fluency.  So what does it mean when you dream that you are angry and “on edge” with everyone?  I think it means you are angry and “on edge” with everyone … and on the verge of hurting those you most care about.  Here is what you can do turn those dreams around?

• If you’ve yelled at your kids, it is never too late to apologize. Even where a few days has gone by, my children truly appreciate (and understand) when I take them to the side to “say sorry” for being grumpy.  Addy Joy, do you remember when Daddy yelled at you two days ago for getting out of bed?  Well, I am sorry.  I should not have yelled at you.  It is your job to stay in bed and it is my job to teach you to obey instructions.  But it was wrong of me to yell at you.  Will you forgive me? Those words can make a huge impact on a child.
• If you’ve been short with your wife, it is never too late to open up to her. Just because my wife is an adult, I cannot assume that she will fully appreciate the stress that consumes me during the day.  I am learning to make a concerted effort to take a few “moments of silence” after pulling into the driveway to prepare for my entrance into the home.  Again, the words are simple: Honey-babe-schmoopy-pie … I am sorry for not understanding how my stresses affect you and the kids.  It’s been tough on me for the past few days and I forget that we are on the same team.  Will you forgive me? Most of the time, she will embrace you with open arms.  And by the way, sweetie, wanna make out?
• If are you dreaming in grumpy, it is never too late to change. Luckily for me (and for my family), I have only had one grumpy dream.  But it was a huge wake-up call (…pun intended…) that I needed to change my attitude toward my children.  I realize that my grumpiness is not going to solve the stresses that are making me grumpy.  Does that make sense?  If eating ice cream is not going to help me lose weight, then why would yelling at my kids solve the stresses of a new job, a new baby, a church merger or a cracked foundation?  It won’t.

Are you dreaming in grumpy?  If so, how can you turn those dreams around?

Image: sokab

A couple of weeks ago while driving to work, I saw a man and his young song walking along Broadway in downtown Nashville.   I witnessed a great lesson in parenting … leading with love, standing side-by-side, and pressing forward.

Leading in love, side-by-side, pressing forward.

The extraordinary thing about this event was that the young boy was blind.  It appeared to have been a recent condition because the father was trying to teach his son how to navigate with a walking stick.   As exhibited by this father, parenting involves the following:

1. Leading with love is about reaching the heart of your child. Too often I get caught up in the outward behavior of my children and forget about the inward heart.  I’m learning that if I reach the heart my children, and teach them the lesson that will be forever pressed in their soul, then their “good behavior” will follow.  This father did not waste any time, energy and frustration just to get his son to walk straight and avoid objects like street signs and benches.  He was focused on his son’s challenges and building his heart and esteem to face those challenges.
2. Standing side-by-side is right where your kids need you to be.  For this father helping his blind son to walk … there he stood right by his son’s side.  Leading him … hand to arm … arm to hand … down the street.  Then the father would let go, while continuing to walk by his side.  As parents, we need to not only stand beside our children, we need to get down on their level and talk to them eye-to-eye.  I mean this literally and figuratively.  Literally, our kids need to see our eyes when we talk to them (and particularly when we talk about life issues).  Figuratively, they need to know we understand what they are saying.  For instance, if your young man is excited about his green bean, pickle, and peanut butter “Alien Sandwich” … then so should you.
3. Pressing forward means we must continually grow. In life, our children will be challenged to accept mediocrity, the norm, or the worldly standard of what is considered “right.”  As parents, we have to push, press, encourage and in some instances force them to reach for excellence.  Notice I did not say, perfection, but excellence. We must not get caught up in the mistakes we have made in the past.  Press forward in all things.

As I watched this father lead  his blind son along a busy street in downtown Nashville, I wondered truly about the father’s resolve and the son’s reliance.  Certainly, this man could have bullied his son to use or rely on that walking stick.  But that is not what I witnessed.  And the son, at some point in this experience, ultimately had to come to the realization that he was going to rely on his father’s leading.

Question: Are you leading your children in love, side-by-side, pressing forward?

Image: justinknol

Earlier this week, I posted about the “Homeless” Homeless … with the primary points being that: (1) Tent City had been washed away in Nashville’s flooding; and (2) the homeless population living in Tent City were now “homeless.”

All week, Lambscroft Ministries and Woodbine Church has been housing and feeding up to 30 of those “homeless” homeless. We have also been collecting donations of clothing, toiletries, food, water, and many other items. Yesterday, my dad (the pastor) a dozen of the homeless men and women set out to help the newly decorated homeless … the ones who lost everything in the storms. See it for yourself:

These men and women delivered a considerable amount of items to WA Bass Middle School for distribution to the needy in that area. While there, the team helped many of the families clean up their properties. The team has been asked to return today and to bring whatever they can for distribution to those in need. What can you do?

1. Understand that you can make a difference. It does not matter whether your contribution is $1 or $100; one pair of shoes or 100 pairs of shoes; 1 hour of time or 100 hours of time. Many of these distraught people just want your support.
2. Understand that the homeless are not heartless. Having spent many evenings over the past few months with these men and women, I have come to love and cherish our friendship. And now, to see them out helping others recover from a loss of having a home, it has shown me a deep appreciation for the heart.
3. Understand that the time to act is now. Again, it does not matter what your contribution, the important thing is to act now … lend a helping hand … buy an extra few gallons of water … set aside a few extra dollars. If you have not made a difference in someone’s life in the past, you can start today.

My wife and kids have been out of town for close to two weeks. Right when they returned, I was tied up in a trial and then jetted out of town for a couple of days. The joy when I returned was inexplicable. We all hugged … kissed … and laughed.

That joy lasted about 15 minutes and the challenge of parenthood returned. Bills stacked up on the counter, light bulbs out in 10 sockets, children fighting over what I brought them home from my trips, and my lovely wife just wanting a few moments of silent. These are the circumstances when the Daddy … a real man … has to step up to fulfill his role as Parent Leader. And that place is somewhere between dictator and welcome mat. Here is what I mean:

• A parent leader is not a dictator. Too often, I confuse Christianity as a “well behaved” person and I think my job is to raise little “well behaved” persons. My job is to teach them to love the Lord with all their heart, mind and strength. My wife often reminds me that a good leader leads … not dictates. Understanding this concept, childhood discipline from the parent is more like a boundary that keeps the child on the right track, rather than a bouncer who strongholds the kid back into place.
• A parent leader is not a welcome mat. On the other end of the spectrum, there are a number of parents in today’s society who simply want to “friend” their children in the FaceBook game of life. Love and devotion to your children should not be mistaken as a license to have a chummy, “BF” or pal relationship with them. You cannot let your children (or their friends) walk all over you like a welcome mat. Practically, this means: you are the parent, they are the child. Don’t blur the distinction.
• A parent leader is somewhere in the middle. I can’t tell you exactly where that middle spot is located because we are trying to find that right balance. In our family … each family is different … I tend to be the dictator and my wife tends to be the welcome mat. Here’s the thing, we realize that we need to run to the middle. My wife prays for strength to be more rigid in what she will allow the kids to say and do during the day. I pray for strength not to crush the kids’ spirits after I walk into the house following a long, hard day.

Are you a parent leader? As you look at the sincerity of your heart, ask yourself whether you are “provoking your children to anger” or are you “bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:7)

For career development … Cordell Parvin is a fellow Richmond Spider (…although a few years before me…) and former construction attorney. I came across Cordell’s name about 6-7 years ago when I was contemplating a move to Dallas, Texas and I reached out to fellow law school alums. While that venture did not turn out, I have kept in touch with Cordell regularly through his books, blog, and Tweets. While you can find a lot by browsing his blog, my favorite year-end posts include:

• Why You Should Create a 2010 Plan … Cordell has a webinar on this topic today.
• Practical Tips on How to Do Year End Planning
• And today’s post about Planning at the 50,000 Foot Level

For balancing family and career and life … sure you have your Zig Ziglar’s, your John Maxwell’s, and even your Rick Warren’s … but my favorite, local, “living-life-right” model is Nashville’s own Michael Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing. I first started following Michael’s blog, Leading with Purpose, at the beginning of this year when I revved up my career planning and life assessment. Michael is a model husband-father-businessman-leader, who Tweets about leadership and life. Here are a few of my favorite posts, including the year-end assessment:

• Seven Questions to Ask about Last Year … the Year Ahead post is expected soon.
• Five Characteristics of Weak Leaders, which gives you a look at how not to lead.
• Two Approaches to Influencing the Family … notice that Michael likes numbers!

For sheer motivation … speaker and author Andy Andrew challenges you to evaluate the importance of halftime. As for me, this week is my “halftime” moment and the second half is about to begin. The year 2010 presents some great opportunities for my career, my family, my community and my church. How about you? I know. I have lived them, too. The past few years have been tough. But the best years lie ahead.

What are you going to do to make 2010 different? … or better yet … What are you going to do to make a difference in 2010?

I was headed out of town on Monday for two weeks in Virginia for a case going to trial. My little one stopped me in the morning and asked why I was going to work with my suitcase. I told her the truth: “I’m going to see my other family.”

I jokingly explained that I had another family in Virginia … with a home, kids, and a job there. Okay. So that part was a lie. She giggled. So did I.

It has now been three days and I have not seen them. I miss them dearly. It feels like forever because I was absent for the two weeks leading up to my departure. Upon my return early this morning, I drove straight from the airport to work. I still have not seen them. Did I tell you I miss them dearly?

It feels nearly impossible to live two lives … but we try to do it all the time. For example, when things are going right on my work blog, this blog seems to fall to the back burner. When I pour a lot of time and effort into my career and professional development, my family gets pushed to the side. If you have played this tug-of-war between two lives before, then you know the frustration. But there is hope. And here are some tips:

• Decide that you can only live one life. Most of my hurdles over the past ten years have stemmed from that fact that I tried to compartmentalize every aspect of my daily life (i.e., work, health, family, friendships, church). Each had their own little box. Until we come to the realization that there is only room for one life, there will be conflict.
• Pick the life that is fueled by your passion. There is no sense in living the life that that drags you down. This weekend Rick Warren, pastor and author of A Purpose Driven Life, talked about being stuck in a meaningless career and the importance of finding your passion or purpose.
• Once you pick that life, prioritize your priorities. Just because you may have a conflict between work and family does not mean you have to choose one and ignore the other. That, my friends, does not work. Trust me. But once I picked family first, then I was able to prioritize the rest. For me, it looks something like this: God > Family > Work > Church > Everything else.

The rest of this plan is unwritten. It has taken me years to get to this point. My life equation above is a set of priorities. Am I living them right? Not always, but we’re working on it.

Question: Are you living two lives? Are you ready to pick one? What helps you make you decision?

Photo: Flickr: eqqman

As I was putting on my socks this morning, I noticed they were turned inside-out. Since my wife was getting dressed at the same time, and knowing she just did laundry yesterday (…thank you sweetie…), I decided to push a few buttons:

Hey, sweetie, these socks are turned inside-out.

Yes? … Her tone looped up like the climb on a roller coaster. She thought I was going to blame or criticize or critique her laundry cleaning skills. As if?

Well, I was just wondering, do you think anyone will know if my socks are inside-out? I mean, how many people actually look at your socks? Even if they do, will they be able to tell the little gray dots with strings should be on the inside? Besides, I already have one sock on my foot. I will fix the other one, but not this one. There’s no way anyone can tell, right?

She paused … God sees your laziness.

I guess she had me there. Every time I want to take a short cut (at work, at play, with the kids, you name it), I often forget to realize that “Excellence” (not to be interpreted as “perfection”) should be my standard. Talking about goal-setting today in his newsletter, Chris Brogan said it this way:

Your only competition is you. When you look to succeed, measure against yourself. It’s okay to take a quick peek at someone else to get a gauge of where you stand in comparison, but then throw that information aside and measure where you are NOW and where you want to be in 3 months, six months, a year.

You know, he’s right: my only competition is me. Whether the issue is parenting, loving my spouse, having a good work ethic, finishing a report on time, etc., I am generally my greatest hurdle to overcome. When I say “I” … I usually mean my “laziness” or “procrastination.” When you fail to achieve your goals, what does God see? Laziness? Lack of planning? Anger? Low self esteem?
I am … and you are … called to excellence. Turn those socks right side!