Growing and Growing

I am in the midst of a speaking extravaganza … speaking at construction conferences in Texas, North Carolina and New Mexico.   During the first leg of my trip, I had dinner with Cordell Parvin, a mentor and friend.  Cordell was one of the top transportation construction lawyers in the country and he now acts as a marketing coach for lawyers.   In his book Prepare to Win: A Lawyer’s Guide to Rainmaking, Career Success and Life Fulfillment, Cordell described his personal journey of finding passion in his life as follows:

“I once did not give much thought to why I was practicing law.  I just got out of bed every day and did it.  I then went through a stage where it was all about me.  I focused on generating a lot of business and building my reputation.  When I stopped focusing on myself and instead concentrated on how to help my construction clients become successful, I actually became infinitely more successful.”

Although there are countless strategies and tips in Cordell’s book about what it takes to make rain in the legal industry, I found great wisdom that applies to family life.  You see, whether you are talking about a successful legal career, off-the-chart sales numbers, or a cohesive and fulfilling family life, you have to take the time to both plan and prepare for success.

PLANNING: For family success, planning involves taking the time to sit down and mapping out your family desires.  Why is family important?  What does it mean to have a fulfilled family life?  What things are preventing you from achieving those things?  After identifying where you want to be as a family, you have to set some goals.  As a busy father, these may look like the following:

• Over the next three months, I want to improve my communication with my wife.
• Over the next three months, I want to identify the love languages of each of my children.

I don’t have all the answers, but what I do have is a strong desire to change.  Will you engage in this exercise with me?  Will you take a few moments out of your weekend and identify where you can be a better spouse or parent?

PREPARING FOR RAIN: We cannot just stop at goal-making and wishful-thinking.  We have to then take the next step to prepare for a successful family.  In other words, you have to identify those things that are getting in the way of your goals and the things that will help you attain them.  Again, these may look something like the following:

• I am not going to turn on the television in the evening until after I had a conversation with my wife … a real conversation, too!
• Each Saturday afternoon, I am going to spend special time with a particular child while the others are napping.

My all time favorite football movie is Facing the Giants.  Looking to encourage the defeated coach with a  few words of wisdom, the local pastor in Facing the Giants recounts the following story:

“There were two farmers who desperately needed rain in a drought.  And both of them prayed for rain, but only one of them went out to plow his field to receive the rain.  Now, which farmer trusted and believed that God as going to send rain?”

In your family, are you preparing for rain? Unfortunately … and I know this for a fact … there is not a quick-and-easy formula that will lead to an overnight success.  If I had one final word of encourage … it would be to keep plowing ahead. You cannot be discouraged by the drought in either your marriage, relationship with your children, health, or even career.  I remember the late nights as a young attorney in Virginia.  I was often working past midnight and never saw my children.  I had a short temper.  I did not like who I was becoming.  Often I would climb into bed with my wife and groan, “I can’t do this any more.”  She would always whisper words of encouragement: “Honey, just a few more days and you will be prepared for this case.  And when you win, we can go celebrate as a family.”

I am in the process of writing a family plan.  While I do so, let me whisper in your ear:  Please join me … keep plowing ahead … keep preparing for the rain … you can make it.

Over the past few months, I have faced the following stresses: (1) tackling a new job; (2) welcoming a new baby to the family; (3) assisting in the merger of two churches; and  (4) dealing with a cracked foundation in our house.  During this time, my wife has cornered me on more than one occasion to let me know how “grumpy” I have been with the children and with her.  My first reaction … No way!  You’re the grumpy one, chica!

I soon realized that my wife was right when I started dreaming in grumpy. I actually woke up last week at about 4:00 a.m. with anger in my mind and a frown on my face.  I woke up from an insanely realistic dream where I was yelling at my children, picking apart my wife and kicking the cat.   I woke up and wanted to run away from myself.

Language studies show that if you begin to dream in a foreign language, then you are comfortable with the foreign language and may be on the verge of fluency.  So what does it mean when you dream that you are angry and “on edge” with everyone?  I think it means you are angry and “on edge” with everyone … and on the verge of hurting those you most care about.  Here is what you can do turn those dreams around?

• If you’ve yelled at your kids, it is never too late to apologize. Even where a few days has gone by, my children truly appreciate (and understand) when I take them to the side to “say sorry” for being grumpy.  Addy Joy, do you remember when Daddy yelled at you two days ago for getting out of bed?  Well, I am sorry.  I should not have yelled at you.  It is your job to stay in bed and it is my job to teach you to obey instructions.  But it was wrong of me to yell at you.  Will you forgive me? Those words can make a huge impact on a child.
• If you’ve been short with your wife, it is never too late to open up to her. Just because my wife is an adult, I cannot assume that she will fully appreciate the stress that consumes me during the day.  I am learning to make a concerted effort to take a few “moments of silence” after pulling into the driveway to prepare for my entrance into the home.  Again, the words are simple: Honey-babe-schmoopy-pie … I am sorry for not understanding how my stresses affect you and the kids.  It’s been tough on me for the past few days and I forget that we are on the same team.  Will you forgive me? Most of the time, she will embrace you with open arms.  And by the way, sweetie, wanna make out?
• If are you dreaming in grumpy, it is never too late to change. Luckily for me (and for my family), I have only had one grumpy dream.  But it was a huge wake-up call (…pun intended…) that I needed to change my attitude toward my children.  I realize that my grumpiness is not going to solve the stresses that are making me grumpy.  Does that make sense?  If eating ice cream is not going to help me lose weight, then why would yelling at my kids solve the stresses of a new job, a new baby, a church merger or a cracked foundation?  It won’t.

Are you dreaming in grumpy?  If so, how can you turn those dreams around?

Image: sokab

My wife and I moved from Washington, D.C. to Nashville in 2006.  We left a 5,000+ member church with five services to join a smaller, 100+ member church with one “traditional” service.  We left a small group couples ministry that we had to split every year because it grew too big to start over from scratch with three other couples.  As our new church moves into a transition to merge with another area church in the denomination, the value of couples friendship becomes even more important.

What do I mean?  Let me share with you an email that I received today from a close friend.  Read the excitement in her words:

I am all uplifted today, b/c we just had one of the neatest weekends — a couple of our friends married and the wedding was a huge reunion of my husband’s old friends from his early days in Christian Community, many of whom I had not met yet (but had heard a thousand good stories about them) and then we hosted two of the couples to our home for dinner on Sunday. I had the simultaneous feeling of excitement in meeting them and feeling as if we had known each other for always. . . it was really awesome, and our prayer time was a real gift. Whew.

So am bringing that goodness into our office and our work today!

Feel it?  In the past four months, we have grown closer to our own Thursday night friends more than ever before.  We have been watching Tommy Nelson’s Song of Solomon series, sharing our happinesses and hurts, and growing and growing together as couples.

Do you have these relationships in your life?  Why not?

Image: Kim Vetter Photography