Growing and Growing

A couple of weeks ago while driving to work, I saw a man and his young song walking along Broadway in downtown Nashville.   I witnessed a great lesson in parenting … leading with love, standing side-by-side, and pressing forward.

Leading in love, side-by-side, pressing forward.

The extraordinary thing about this event was that the young boy was blind.  It appeared to have been a recent condition because the father was trying to teach his son how to navigate with a walking stick.   As exhibited by this father, parenting involves the following:

1. Leading with love is about reaching the heart of your child. Too often I get caught up in the outward behavior of my children and forget about the inward heart.  I’m learning that if I reach the heart my children, and teach them the lesson that will be forever pressed in their soul, then their “good behavior” will follow.  This father did not waste any time, energy and frustration just to get his son to walk straight and avoid objects like street signs and benches.  He was focused on his son’s challenges and building his heart and esteem to face those challenges.
2. Standing side-by-side is right where your kids need you to be.  For this father helping his blind son to walk … there he stood right by his son’s side.  Leading him … hand to arm … arm to hand … down the street.  Then the father would let go, while continuing to walk by his side.  As parents, we need to not only stand beside our children, we need to get down on their level and talk to them eye-to-eye.  I mean this literally and figuratively.  Literally, our kids need to see our eyes when we talk to them (and particularly when we talk about life issues).  Figuratively, they need to know we understand what they are saying.  For instance, if your young man is excited about his green bean, pickle, and peanut butter “Alien Sandwich” … then so should you.
3. Pressing forward means we must continually grow. In life, our children will be challenged to accept mediocrity, the norm, or the worldly standard of what is considered “right.”  As parents, we have to push, press, encourage and in some instances force them to reach for excellence.  Notice I did not say, perfection, but excellence. We must not get caught up in the mistakes we have made in the past.  Press forward in all things.

As I watched this father lead  his blind son along a busy street in downtown Nashville, I wondered truly about the father’s resolve and the son’s reliance.  Certainly, this man could have bullied his son to use or rely on that walking stick.  But that is not what I witnessed.  And the son, at some point in this experience, ultimately had to come to the realization that he was going to rely on his father’s leading.

Question: Are you leading your children in love, side-by-side, pressing forward?

Image: justinknol

I have been praying with my children a lot more recently.  If the kids are sitting down for breakfast and I am running late to work, I stop and pray over them God’s blessings.  When there is a stubbed toe or cat scratch, we pray before finding the Barbie Bandaid.  And when we do our evening tuck-ins,  prayer comes before books, songs or tickles.

Sounds like I got it all together, right?  NOT AT ALL!  We are a work in progress … we are growing and growing in our faith.  But here is what I have learned about how to pray with your children:

1. Make it about God. Remember the ultimate point of the prayer . . . to communicate with our Creator . . . to praise Him for all things . . . to thank Him for the blessings he bestows . . . to ask Him for wisdom . . . to hand Him your worries . . . to claim His healing.  Your children need to hear these words on a regular basis so they “get it” later in life.
2. Make it about the child. After giving thanks and praise to God, we then pray about other friends and family.  Then we conclude with our own desires and struggles.  For each of my children, I use age appropriate words and always pray for: (a) their past day; (b) their evening protection; (c) their tomorrow’s blessings; and (d) their future contribution to the Kingdom.
3. Make it fun and joyful. Last time I checked, there was not an Eleventh Commandment — Thou shalt not have fun. Instead, we are to go to the altar of God with our “exceeding joy” (Ps. 43:4).  To me, this means having a joyful and vibrant voice of excite when I pray with my kids.  Be animated.  Let them experience joyful prayer flowing from your lips.  It’s perfectly okay to say “dude” in your prayer with your six-year-old boy, which sounds something like this:

Father, I just thank you for the strong little man that you gave to our family.  I ask that you continue to strengthen Dylan in all that he does.  Build him. Use him. Make him into a great, God-loving, change all nations, people leading, prayer warrior dude!!!

When I see the smile on the little one’s face as we say Amen . . . I know that I reached his heart and mind.

There are really two major reasons to pray with your children.  First, to communicate with God as a family.  Second, to teach your little one how to pray.  If you are just trying to check “pray with kid” off your checklist, then your heart is really not there.  Are your praying with your children?  Why not?

My wife and kids have been out of town for close to two weeks. Right when they returned, I was tied up in a trial and then jetted out of town for a couple of days. The joy when I returned was inexplicable. We all hugged … kissed … and laughed.

That joy lasted about 15 minutes and the challenge of parenthood returned. Bills stacked up on the counter, light bulbs out in 10 sockets, children fighting over what I brought them home from my trips, and my lovely wife just wanting a few moments of silent. These are the circumstances when the Daddy … a real man … has to step up to fulfill his role as Parent Leader. And that place is somewhere between dictator and welcome mat. Here is what I mean:

• A parent leader is not a dictator. Too often, I confuse Christianity as a “well behaved” person and I think my job is to raise little “well behaved” persons. My job is to teach them to love the Lord with all their heart, mind and strength. My wife often reminds me that a good leader leads … not dictates. Understanding this concept, childhood discipline from the parent is more like a boundary that keeps the child on the right track, rather than a bouncer who strongholds the kid back into place.
• A parent leader is not a welcome mat. On the other end of the spectrum, there are a number of parents in today’s society who simply want to “friend” their children in the FaceBook game of life. Love and devotion to your children should not be mistaken as a license to have a chummy, “BF” or pal relationship with them. You cannot let your children (or their friends) walk all over you like a welcome mat. Practically, this means: you are the parent, they are the child. Don’t blur the distinction.
• A parent leader is somewhere in the middle. I can’t tell you exactly where that middle spot is located because we are trying to find that right balance. In our family … each family is different … I tend to be the dictator and my wife tends to be the welcome mat. Here’s the thing, we realize that we need to run to the middle. My wife prays for strength to be more rigid in what she will allow the kids to say and do during the day. I pray for strength not to crush the kids’ spirits after I walk into the house following a long, hard day.

Are you a parent leader? As you look at the sincerity of your heart, ask yourself whether you are “provoking your children to anger” or are you “bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:7)

There is nothing better than your own bed, particularly when you have been travelling all week and working (and playing) in the snow all weekend. So when I lay my tired body to rest last night, I was one happy dude. I immediately faded off to sleep. Peace.

At about 3:30 in the morning, I heard the whisper of a six-year-old boy: “Dad. Dad. My blanket won’t work. I can’t fix it.”

“What?” I groaned back to him.

“Dad. My blanket doesn’t work. I can’t put it on my bed. I need help.”

Are you kidding me? I looked at the clock across the room. The red digital lights screamed out 3:32. What’s wrong with the blanket? How does a blanket fail to work? I will solve this: “Son, your blanket works fine. Just pull it up. You can do it.”

“But … Dad …”

“Son! Go back to your room. It’s night time.”

Although I couldn’t see his face or body, I knew he walked away rejected. I’ve seen the look before. He won’t remember, I reasoned to myself, because it’s the middle of the night. I rolled over, thinking I could still get a few more hours of good rest.

My wife whispered in my ear. The words pierced my eardrums and went straight to my heart. She was right. I jumped up quickly and ran down the hall.

The rejected son had his door shut, but I could see the light peering from underneath. I quietly opened the door and he stood the end of his bed. I now understood his dilemma. The top blanket was on the floor and the sheets were wrinkled up in a knot at the bottom edge of the bed.

“Need some help?”

His smile was all that I needed to see to reassure me that he was okay. “Yes, sir.“

I threw him on the bed, hugged him, and gave a few tickles. “Hold still now.” He spred his body out and I lofted the top sheet up in the air. It landed perfectly over his body. I tucked in the bottom and edges. I took the top blanket and did the same. I saw his homemade quilt from GG lying on the floor. Better add that one, too.

“Is that better?” I asked.

“Yes. Thanks, Dad.”

I gave him a wink. I mouthed the words “I LOVE YOU.” I turned out the light and walked out the door.

Not even the best sleep could replace that feeling of joy I then experienced. And all because of that little whisper in the ear from my wife. Wanna know what she said?

A good daddy would help his son.

Photo: Pictures by Pwyrdan

• You are convictable … meaning you know that there is a difference between good and bad parenting. If you have yelled at your children and realized that what you did was wrong, then there is great hope. If you are a screamer and feel that your actions are always justified (i.e., “They just won’t listen.”), then you are wrong. But there is still hope for you, too.
• You are changeable … meaning that you can change your ways. Whether you grew up with yelling parents, or you just fell into the habit recently, you can modify the tone you talk to your children.
• You are in charge … meaning that you control the situation with your children. Notice that I did not say, “You control your children in all situations.” I said, you control the situation. If that means that you need to walk away to find the right tone to talk to them, then take control and walk away.

Here is the take-away: I am called to live a godly life. Every day I fail to meet that standard. Does Christ yell at me when I fail to meet that standard? No. Instead, does his Word encourage me? Yes. With parenting, I am not to change my standard … I am to encourage my children to meet that standard … And yelling won’t get them there.

My wife would kill me if she knew that I was telling you this. Don’t tell her! (… please …) That’s right, I am going to tell you about discipline and training and chuck.

All afternoon yesterday, my little Addy (4yr) was not feeling well. She had already gotten sick once in the car, had a shower, and spent the evening on the couch. Although we probably surmised that more food might make her sick, she ate dinner nonetheless. Wasn’t that bad … oatmeal. How hard can that ol‘ quaker dude be on your stomach anyway?

Fast forward two hours. Cough. Cough. Scream. Cough. Gurgle. Gurgle.

I ran into Addy’s room. She was crying … but not talking. She had her hands cupped around her mouth. I ran to her bed and saw that she was gagging. She did not want to get sick in her bed.

I scooped her up in my arms and cradled her to the bathroom. She could have let go. But she did not. Her small, cupping hands held tight to her mouth. As I sat her down on the ground near the toilet, she aimed …. and released. Good girl.

You may find this disgusting, but I was one proud pop. Did you see that? She held tight until she was in the clear. She did not want to get sick in her bed. She did not want to get sick on her Dad. She waited until she could get sick where sick belonged.

We (… I mean my wife … ) wiped her brow, cleaned her mouth, bathed her, and set her back into bed. Although we had already prayed once, I would later return to Addy’s room for an extra prayer. Can’t have too many, right?

As I walked out into the dark hallway, I looked over my shoulder to the motionless body. That’s what I call disciplined. To us, discipline is everything you put into children that influences how they will fare in the real world. Perhaps out of cleanliness … perhaps out of laziness … perhaps out of leadership … but we have always trained our children (no matter what age) to hold their sickness until they can get to a bathroom. Addy, in her moment of sickness and nausea, could have reacted so many different ways. But she chose to hold on and get sick where sick belonged.

Is that disgusting? Maybe. Are we mean parents? Probably. Is there a lesson in all this talk? Yes. If God can use an evening of sickness to show me that training really does make a difference, then perhaps He can impress upon your mind: “Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

I really don’t like pets. Cats. Dogs. Mice. Hermit Crabs. Upon further reflection, I like pets …. I just don’t like children who don’t take care of their own pets. You know what I’m saying?

Let me tell you about my friend’s daughter, who has her own thoughts about pets. We were at a birthday party when her dad expressly told her that she had to eat 1/2 hamburger before she got a cupcake. Okay. That’s not so bad, right?

As my friend walked away, I sat there watching this precious little girl munch down her chips and beans. She picked at the burger. I glanced as she pushed that burnt crusty patty around her plate. With a snooty look on her face, the burger fell right on the ground. She looked around. My eyes darted to the left. Whew…she did not see me.

Enter the cat. This mangled, dusty and probably starving cat sprinted to the burger on the ground and began feasting. The little girl watched. I watched. (I am trying to control my laughter already.)

The cat had just finished its all-you-can-eat-burnt-patty-buffet when the dad returned. I know we teach our kids not to be a tattletale, but I could not resist. “Hey man, your kid just dropped her burger on the ground and let the cat eat it all.”

The blood vessels pumped. The sweat trickled. The inquisition began:

Him: “Baby, did you eat your burger?”
Her: (Pause) … “No.”
Him: “Do you remember what I told you about the cupcake?”
Her: (Pause) … “Yes.”
Him: “So, you know that you are not going to get a cupcake until you eat a burger?”
Her: (Pause) … “Yes.”
Him: “What, then, do you have to do now?”
Her: (Pause) … (Pause) … (Pause)… “Eat the cat?”

She said, EAT THE CAT! Too funny.

As parents, we can only teach our children the many lessons of life. Know the difference between right and wrong. Do right. Don’t do wrong. Help others. Give more than you receive. Put the toilet seat down. Despite all the teaching, we can never fully prepare ourselves for what our children will say. What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard a kid say?

I cannot remember an October 31 that I did not go trick-or-treating as a child. In fact, I had it down to a science: (1) Costume was just that … a prop … to get candy; (2) Pillowcase to store the mounds of treats; (3) Eat a few during the trick-or-treat ritual, but mostly save them for trading; and (4) Get back to the house, organize candy, make an inventory list, and start trading away!

Up until last year, I had never thought that it would be different for my five children: dress them up, parade through the streets, over-indulge in candy, come home and pass out from a sugar high.

But aren’t we called to be different than the World? You can Google the phrase “Christians and Halloween” and get hundreds of articles on whether we should celebrate this once-a-year phenomenon. One author for a leading evangelist concluded that “Halloween is a real, sacred day for those who follow Wicca.” Another leading Christian site goes so far as to say that it is “closely connected with the worship of … Satan.”

I am not sure I am willing to go that far. For me, the real source is not Google or what other Christians may be saying or even what other people may be saying about what other Christians are saying. For me, answer comes from the Word:

Don’t participate in the things these people do. For though your hearts were once full of darkness, now you are full of light from the Lord, and your behavior should show it! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Try to find out what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, rebuke and expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. (NLT) Ephesians 5:7-12

Where does that leave us? Am I cancelling Halloween this year? Kinda-Sorta. Here is my response to you and to my kids:

• Make it a personal decision. I think this is an issue of studying the scriptures yourself and following your own convictions. As long as your decision is based upon the Word (… as opposed to the World … ), then stick with it.
• Make it a family celebration. We will continue to make this a special time for our kids. Traditionally, we have gone to my parents’ neighborhood for a parade, chili cook-off, and then the obligatory candy-begging.
• Make your own costumes. While we love hitting the ‘mart for the weekly special, we have decided that the kids can dress up as long as they make their own costumes. We will, of course, help them with materials. But this is supposed to be a time of fun and imagination. Other ground rules: no witches, no ghouls, no devils, and absolutely no Britney’s!
• Make use of your collections. All that candy and what to do? This year, we are going to make use of our kids’ bounty. There are a number causes out there that we can support and we want to use our Kinda-Sorta-Halloween as a time to help others, whether it is care packages for the military, prison ministries, or local children’s groups.

One of my favorite leadership gurus, Michael Hyatt (CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing) posted a few good recommendations a couple months ago about using templates for greater efficiency. Michael wrote:

For years, I have used the concept of “templating” to improve my productivity. The idea is that you create a template for any task that you find yourself doing repeatedly. So instead of “reinventing the wheel” every time, you do it once, save it as a template, and then reuse it.

Michael described the way he processes the hundreds of emails in his in-box, including the use of templates to respond to personal meeting requests, book proposal requests, customer complaints, media inquiries and many others.

If you just stop reading here, you can walk away with a grand nugget of wisdom on how templates can improve your overall efficiency. However, I was thinking this morning about using templates for adversity … or for emergencies … or for conflict … or for any behavioral pattern that you experience. For example, there is a conflict in our house called “pre-teen attitude” that usually emits from my 11-yr old daughter and that often causes shortness or frustration in my words. Like the emails Michael talks about, I find that this situation is occurring repeatedly. Enter the template, where I plan for these events and map out my response. In this particular example, I am learning to not escalate the exchange of words with my daughter, but instead respond with a game plan.

Honey, I tell her, you know your mom and I do not allow that tone and disrespect in our house. Please go up to your room and come back when you are ready to talk in a better manner.

Of course, I meet resistance: But, Dad, I didn’t do anything wrong!

And, of course, I have prepared my response because this has happened before. Please go up to your room and we will talk later.

Almost every time that we have talked after the cool down period, we get to the heart of the problem. I can also say that almost every time that I don’t use my template for “pre-teen attitude,” we never get to the heart of the problem. Here are some tips for using templates for adversity:

1. Write out the top five events that occur repeatedly. These can include instances when you lose your cool, times when you get frustrated, or even those events that you know will occur often, such as getting ready for church on Sunday mornings. A few of mine include: (a) my children talk with disrespect to us; (b) my relationship with my wife is challenged when we are apart; and (c) my children have a strange attraction to emergency rooms.
2. For each event, write out the traditional behavioral pattern due to lack of planning. For instance, in my examples above, the events are generally riddled with either anger, frustration or anxiety if we don’t follow a plan.
3. Finally, create a new template for your adversities. This is often the easiest and the hardest part. It is easy because you often know what doesn’t work … that is, how you traditionally respond to the situation does not work. It is hard because it really takes some thinking and it may take you a few drafts before you get it right.

Since my children are prone to accident (… or perhaps it is because I have so many children …), we inevitably will spend one day in the emergency room or medical clinic every few months. If it is a cut, scrape, bleeding a little, cough, or puke, then my wife “may” call on the way to the doctor and I “may” meet them. If it is broken, bleeding a lot, or not breathing, then my wife drops the other kids at my parent’s house, she “will” call me, and I “will” meet her wherever. By preparing for these events, we save a lot of heart ache and hurtful words.

In what areas can templates improve your life?

After a long day yesterday, I started the nightly ritual of “tucking in” five children. Each has their own routine—whether it involves going potty, needing a sippy cup, or making up a nighttime adventure. For my 6-year old, Dylan, the evening began with a question: “Dad, can you tell me about the prayer to get to heaven?

Words that I had not expected … probably because it came from the same boy who stuck a bead in his ear and swallowed a quarter in a seven day period last month … but words that I needed to hear. The next twenty minutes were precious: leading my son to join God’s family, seeing the excitement on his face, calling a few people to tell them the Good News, and me just beaming on the inside.

Last night was more than a significant moment in Dylan’s life … it was a moment that God gave me … to push forward, to take the reigns of this family, to continue with this stirring in my gut, to make a difference in the world.

To Dylan, a praying boy, it was perhaps the single most important decision he will make in his life. To me, the boy’s father, it was a small reward that pushes me onward. What pushes you onward?