As I was hanging an over-sized dry erase board this evening, I gathered all the right tools to make it a quick install: the stud-finder, the large level, the tape measure, the drill, and a handful of screws with washers.  I was marking the wall with the stud-finder, a nifty little grown-up toy that caught Dylan’s attention.  As I got the first few screws in place, Dylan broke the silence.

“Dad?”

“Yeeeeeesssss, Dylan?” I snarled back, eye brows pitched and eyes rolling.

“Um … Nevermind.”

I looked down at him and saw that I had changed his entire thought process with two small words, stated angrily, coupled with a facial expression that crushed his enthusiasm.  I had to act quickly.  I jumped down from the step stool, dropped the drill and got in his face with a smile: “What do you want, son?”

“Nevermind, Dad.”

Was I too late? Did I truly steal his question from him?

“Dylan, I am sorry.  This project is not more important than you.  Your question matters to me.  You matter to me.  What did you want to ask me?”

“It’s no big deal. I just wanted to know how that thing finds wood behind the wall.  That’s all.”

“That is a big deal … and a great question!  I am sorry I tried to steal that question from you.”

We spent the next 15 minutes laughing and giggling about the stud-finder.  It was close, but I almost put another wedge between me and another kid in my family.  I’m good at that … are you?   As you think about your words, tones and looks, remember these tips:

1. Words are alive.  When I think about the negative words I use with my spouse or kids, my mind often flashes to my dad and his father, who chastised dad every time he spilled his milk as a child.  It became a prophecy of milk-spilling because my dad had heard those words so many times.  Those words from granddad were alive…they pierced my dad’s young mind and heart…and they grew inside him like a tumor.
2. Tones and looks change the words.  You can say the same word, “Yes”, with 20 different tones and have 20 different meanings.  You can roll your eyes with sarcasm or gaze softly, each sending a distinct message.  People easily pick up on your tone and if they think you are unapproachable, they will stop approaching you.
3. All of them are game-changers.  Negative words are discouraging and positive words are encouraging.  When you realize that your words, tones and looks can tear down your spouse or children, as well as build them up, there is not much of a choice to make.  Proverbs 17:22 says that a “joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.“

Which do you want?  You can make a difference.  You really can be that parent who runs up and down the soccer field screaming “Go! Go! Go!”  You really can be the spouse who says, “Great job with the kids today. I know it’s hard, but great job.”  To be joyful is to be ready to spread encouragement, enthusiasm and positive words to others.  Are you game?

I don’t know about you, but I think the amount of time you spend with your kids is just as important as what you do when you are with them.   So the real question becomes:  How can you juggle the demands of a busy career, community or church involvement, and your family obligations?

While I don’t have all the answers, here is what I have learned over the past few years:

• Your family should be a top priority.  Throughout my career as a lawyer, I have struggled with finding the right balance between work and family.  It always seemed to be a competition between which of the two got my attention at any given point in time.  It took a long time for me to realize that my family is critical to my success as a lawyer.   (Even now, it continues to be a daily struggle … but I am getting better!)  Once you realize how important your family is to your overall well-being, you can better plan your days.
• Your work will (or should) appreciate your priorities.  I have worked at three separate law firms throughout my career, and I can say, without hesitation, that every one of my employers valued the importance of a healthy family unit for their employees.  As an business owner, I expect my assistants and staff to have the same balance and mindset.  While not all employers share this ideal, I think it is important that you set proper boundaries going into any new employment so that you can love your job, at the same time as you care for your family. (Again, this continues to be a commitment that I have to remind myself daily!)
• Your family needs both quality and quantity time. There is no secret or magic formula to finding the right balance, as each family has a different make-up.  For my wife, who homeschools our children, it means that she still needs to take time to spend with each child separately, even though she spends most of the day …  every day … with them.  For me, it means that my kids need to see me every day,  even though there may be times when I leave to work before they awake and I come home from work long after they have gone to bed.  (… Tell me how to figure that one out?…)  For example, at least one day a week I try to spend breakfast with the family and go into work late.  Late Friday nights and early Saturday mornings are also a must! When I have an errand to run, I’ll take one or two smiling faces with me on what we call “an excursion of a lifetime” … even if it is to Home Depot. Whether or not you have kids, you also have to take the time to invest in your marriage.  (This is where I have the most room for growth.)
• You have to meet your kids at the playground.  I mean this both literally and figuratively.  Kids love the playground and even the 1/2 hour quick stop to the playground will meet your children’s expectations.  This also means that you need to get down to their level …  and I mean their eye level …  so that they feel you are connecting with them.  For example, just this morning as I hopped in the shower to prepare for the day, Jackson knocked on the shower door and asked if he could take a shower too.  While I could have said no, because I had to get to work, I opened the door, sat down in the shower with him, and we played with buckets of water for ten minutes. The giggles from my three-year old were the perfect assurance that I had made the right decision for this ten-minute interruption to my morning ritual.

If your life is like mine, there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. However,  you need to make sure to plan for both quality and quantity time with your family.  It’s crucial to your success.

Question: Do you have any tips and suggestions for this juggling father?

Image: Earls37a

Since their daddy represents road builders, they even created their own lanes of traffic.  I am sure they did not commission any environmental impact studies.  Nor did they properly carry out lane closures.  (…amateurs…)

My immediate reaction was to get mad … They were playing in the street! They were ruining perfectly good asphalt.  But then the quiet voice reassured me.  They are kids … and they are going to be alright.

Do you get stressed by juggling professional demands and family life?  Here are some reasons why you should let your kids plays on new asphalt:

• Let your kids be kids.  Too often, I confuse “good behavior” with “good character.”  I think my job as a parent is to instill good character, which naturally should result in good behavior. Right?  But when my focus is on their actions, rather than their heart, I become rule-driven.  Wake up, Matt, they are kids.  Let them play!  That’s what new asphalt is for … bright colored chalk!
• Let yourself be a kid.  My job as parent does not end with allowing my kids to play, though.  I need to play with them.  In this instance, I flopped down on the new, black street and began drawing.  The giggles of the little ones at my side, laughing at my “less than perfect” stick figure was all I needed.  This was fun.
• Live one life.  Most of my hurdles over the past ten years have stemmed from that fact that I tried to compartmentalize every aspect of my daily life (i.e., work, health, family, friendships, etc). Each had their own little box. Until I came to the realization that there is only room for one life, there was conflict.  I suspect that you will experience the same.  That means, if you are a passionate executive, then take that passion home to your family.  If you work great with your kids, then work great with your staff and employees.

Question: Are you juggling work and family and community?  What tips can you share about finding the right balance?

But what happens when mom or dad are not patient? What happens when we cry, complain or get angry while we are waiting on something? We need to learn a lesson in patience.

We have had some major complications with our latest pregnancy.  Why am I saying we?  I mean, she.  If I could take away the pain from her, I would do it immediately.

But there she is, sitting up all night, wincing with each movement, mumbling and praying for an answer.  If I hear her, I roll over and place my hand on her shoulder.   I whisper, “What can I do?”

The silence tells me nothing.

Exhaustion turns to frustration, which turns to anger.  I’m whining, complaining and getting angry on the inside.  Every now and then it creeps out of my lips.  And I am reminded of my kids’ lesson on patience.

That sounds like good advice for a child wanting to tell you about their day the second you arrive home from work.  It can buy you a few more minutes until (or even postpone) the evening story because you are simply too tired.   Have you been there?  What can you do to find your own patience?

1. Time out. Not in the “punishment” manner, but in the “set yourself aside” and take a break from your circumstances.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as you pull your car into the driveway after a long day of work.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as the kids are whining about how hungry they are just before the meal is placed on the table.  No matter the circumstances, take a “time out” from the circumstance.
2. Meditate or pray. In his pain, King David was crying to the Lord with his voice?, and He answered from His holy mountain. Do you know what happened next?  David said, “I laid down and slept. I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.”  (Ps 3:4-5)  David could have had sleepless nights, but in his rebellion he slept peacefully because he prayed to the Lord, and those prayers were answered.
3. Substitute your wait. Accept the fact that patience requires a time of waiting.  If you expect, plan and prepare for that time of waiting, you can begin to avoid the onset of complaints or anger.  For our children, it means offering them an alternative to whining as they wait for dinner, such as: “Sweetie, I want you think of the story you are going to share with the family during dinner time.  That will give Mommy time to finish preparing the food.”  The same goes for us.

Question: When are you most impatient? What do you do to find comfort?

Image: Alexis Tejada

The boys’  father was caught up in the excitement of the moment and played along with the switcheroo!  However, the next morning the father called promoters to right the wrong: “We thought honesty was the best policy and we wanted to set a good example for our kids.”

Right on, Dad!  My eldest daughter caught the same understanding when she was asked (as punishment) to write an essay on INTEGRITY.  This is what she wrote:

Integrity means to be honest when no one is looking. If you have integrity you will have more privileges and trust and friends. If you have integrity your friends will trust you because they know you are trustworthy in all things and at all times. . . . If you have integrity, you are honest, trustworthy and you are a good friend to have especially when your friend needs help with an outfit choice.

She got most of it right.  As a parent, you love to share moments like these.  As a parent, are you teaching your kids about integrity?

Image: Seabamirum

How do you get back on track when feel that your life has been derailed? That’s a lesson for another day … as I am in the process of getting there myself.  But what is important to learn as a dad, husband, and leader is that you should not break your loved ones as you work to get back on track.  Let me explain:

We have a teenager.  Years ago, this teenager pleaded with us to get a cat.  I said no.  Wife said yes.  We have a cat.

Recently … almost a full year now … the teenager has been neglecting her litter-box-changing-duties.  And if the box is too full, the cat likes to use my closet as its own personal outhouse.  Well, recently I came home to find another fresh, smelly “leftover” left over in my closet.

I lost it! Not the cat, but my patience!

I yelled.  I yelled loudly.

Moments later, I was crushed because I knew that I had crushed someone else’s spirit.  Yeah, you know, that teenager who begged me for the cat was broken … by me.  I cannot described how terrible I felt.  It was like the “bad man” in You just broke your child. Congratulations … If you have not read Dan’s post, it is well worth the read.

While I could go on, and on, and on, about what to do when your kid’s cat poops in your closet, the real lesson is … don’t break your child while working through the conflict.

Image: Stephen Baack

“I once did not give much thought to why I was practicing law.  I just got out of bed every day and did it.  I then went through a stage where it was all about me.  I focused on generating a lot of business and building my reputation.  When I stopped focusing on myself and instead concentrated on how to help my construction clients become successful, I actually became infinitely more successful.”

Although there are countless strategies and tips in Cordell’s book about what it takes to make rain in the legal industry, I found great wisdom that applies to family life.  You see, whether you are talking about a successful legal career, off-the-chart sales numbers, or a cohesive and fulfilling family life, you have to take the time to both plan and prepare for success.

PLANNING: For family success, planning involves taking the time to sit down and mapping out your family desires.  Why is family important?  What does it mean to have a fulfilled family life?  What things are preventing you from achieving those things?  After identifying where you want to be as a family, you have to set some goals.  As a busy father, these may look like the following:

• Over the next three months, I want to improve my communication with my wife.
• Over the next three months, I want to identify the love languages of each of my children.

I don’t have all the answers, but what I do have is a strong desire to change.  Will you engage in this exercise with me?  Will you take a few moments out of your weekend and identify where you can be a better spouse or parent?

PREPARING FOR RAIN: We cannot just stop at goal-making and wishful-thinking.  We have to then take the next step to prepare for a successful family.  In other words, you have to identify those things that are getting in the way of your goals and the things that will help you attain them.  Again, these may look something like the following:

• I am not going to turn on the television in the evening until after I had a conversation with my wife … a real conversation, too!
• Each Saturday afternoon, I am going to spend special time with a particular child while the others are napping.

My all time favorite football movie is Facing the Giants.  Looking to encourage the defeated coach with a  few words of wisdom, the local pastor in Facing the Giants recounts the following story:

“There were two farmers who desperately needed rain in a drought.  And both of them prayed for rain, but only one of them went out to plow his field to receive the rain.  Now, which farmer trusted and believed that God as going to send rain?”

In your family, are you preparing for rain? Unfortunately … and I know this for a fact … there is not a quick-and-easy formula that will lead to an overnight success.  If I had one final word of encourage … it would be to keep plowing ahead. You cannot be discouraged by the drought in either your marriage, relationship with your children, health, or even career.  I remember the late nights as a young attorney in Virginia.  I was often working past midnight and never saw my children.  I had a short temper.  I did not like who I was becoming.  Often I would climb into bed with my wife and groan, “I can’t do this any more.”  She would always whisper words of encouragement: “Honey, just a few more days and you will be prepared for this case.  And when you win, we can go celebrate as a family.”

I am in the process of writing a family plan.  While I do so, let me whisper in your ear:  Please join me … keep plowing ahead … keep preparing for the rain … you can make it.

I soon realized that my wife was right when I started dreaming in grumpy. I actually woke up last week at about 4:00 a.m. with anger in my mind and a frown on my face.  I woke up from an insanely realistic dream where I was yelling at my children, picking apart my wife and kicking the cat.   I woke up and wanted to run away from myself.

Language studies show that if you begin to dream in a foreign language, then you are comfortable with the foreign language and may be on the verge of fluency.  So what does it mean when you dream that you are angry and “on edge” with everyone?  I think it means you are angry and “on edge” with everyone … and on the verge of hurting those you most care about.  Here is what you can do turn those dreams around?

• If you’ve yelled at your kids, it is never too late to apologize. Even where a few days has gone by, my children truly appreciate (and understand) when I take them to the side to “say sorry” for being grumpy.  Addy Joy, do you remember when Daddy yelled at you two days ago for getting out of bed?  Well, I am sorry.  I should not have yelled at you.  It is your job to stay in bed and it is my job to teach you to obey instructions.  But it was wrong of me to yell at you.  Will you forgive me? Those words can make a huge impact on a child.
• If you’ve been short with your wife, it is never too late to open up to her. Just because my wife is an adult, I cannot assume that she will fully appreciate the stress that consumes me during the day.  I am learning to make a concerted effort to take a few “moments of silence” after pulling into the driveway to prepare for my entrance into the home.  Again, the words are simple: Honey-babe-schmoopy-pie … I am sorry for not understanding how my stresses affect you and the kids.  It’s been tough on me for the past few days and I forget that we are on the same team.  Will you forgive me? Most of the time, she will embrace you with open arms.  And by the way, sweetie, wanna make out?
• If are you dreaming in grumpy, it is never too late to change. Luckily for me (and for my family), I have only had one grumpy dream.  But it was a huge wake-up call (…pun intended…) that I needed to change my attitude toward my children.  I realize that my grumpiness is not going to solve the stresses that are making me grumpy.  Does that make sense?  If eating ice cream is not going to help me lose weight, then why would yelling at my kids solve the stresses of a new job, a new baby, a church merger or a cracked foundation?  It won’t.

Are you dreaming in grumpy?  If so, how can you turn those dreams around?

Image: sokab

Leading in love, side-by-side, pressing forward.

The extraordinary thing about this event was that the young boy was blind.  It appeared to have been a recent condition because the father was trying to teach his son how to navigate with a walking stick.   As exhibited by this father, parenting involves the following:

1. Leading with love is about reaching the heart of your child. Too often I get caught up in the outward behavior of my children and forget about the inward heart.  I’m learning that if I reach the heart my children, and teach them the lesson that will be forever pressed in their soul, then their “good behavior” will follow.  This father did not waste any time, energy and frustration just to get his son to walk straight and avoid objects like street signs and benches.  He was focused on his son’s challenges and building his heart and esteem to face those challenges.
2. Standing side-by-side is right where your kids need you to be.  For this father helping his blind son to walk … there he stood right by his son’s side.  Leading him … hand to arm … arm to hand … down the street.  Then the father would let go, while continuing to walk by his side.  As parents, we need to not only stand beside our children, we need to get down on their level and talk to them eye-to-eye.  I mean this literally and figuratively.  Literally, our kids need to see our eyes when we talk to them (and particularly when we talk about life issues).  Figuratively, they need to know we understand what they are saying.  For instance, if your young man is excited about his green bean, pickle, and peanut butter “Alien Sandwich” … then so should you.
3. Pressing forward means we must continually grow. In life, our children will be challenged to accept mediocrity, the norm, or the worldly standard of what is considered “right.”  As parents, we have to push, press, encourage and in some instances force them to reach for excellence.  Notice I did not say, perfection, but excellence. We must not get caught up in the mistakes we have made in the past.  Press forward in all things.

As I watched this father lead  his blind son along a busy street in downtown Nashville, I wondered truly about the father’s resolve and the son’s reliance.  Certainly, this man could have bullied his son to use or rely on that walking stick.  But that is not what I witnessed.  And the son, at some point in this experience, ultimately had to come to the realization that he was going to rely on his father’s leading.

Question: Are you leading your children in love, side-by-side, pressing forward?

Image: justinknol

Sounds like I got it all together, right?  NOT AT ALL!  We are a work in progress … we are growing and growing in our faith.  But here is what I have learned about how to pray with your children:

1. Make it about God. Remember the ultimate point of the prayer . . . to communicate with our Creator . . . to praise Him for all things . . . to thank Him for the blessings he bestows . . . to ask Him for wisdom . . . to hand Him your worries . . . to claim His healing.  Your children need to hear these words on a regular basis so they “get it” later in life.
2. Make it about the child. After giving thanks and praise to God, we then pray about other friends and family.  Then we conclude with our own desires and struggles.  For each of my children, I use age appropriate words and always pray for: (a) their past day; (b) their evening protection; (c) their tomorrow’s blessings; and (d) their future contribution to the Kingdom.
3. Make it fun and joyful. Last time I checked, there was not an Eleventh Commandment — Thou shalt not have fun. Instead, we are to go to the altar of God with our “exceeding joy” (Ps. 43:4).  To me, this means having a joyful and vibrant voice of excite when I pray with my kids.  Be animated.  Let them experience joyful prayer flowing from your lips.  It’s perfectly okay to say “dude” in your prayer with your six-year-old boy, which sounds something like this:

Father, I just thank you for the strong little man that you gave to our family.  I ask that you continue to strengthen Dylan in all that he does.  Build him. Use him. Make him into a great, God-loving, change all nations, people leading, prayer warrior dude!!!

When I see the smile on the little one’s face as we say Amen . . . I know that I reached his heart and mind.

There are really two major reasons to pray with your children.  First, to communicate with God as a family.  Second, to teach your little one how to pray.  If you are just trying to check “pray with kid” off your checklist, then your heart is really not there.  Are your praying with your children?  Why not?