Growing and Growing

I am in the midst of a speaking extravaganza … speaking at construction conferences in Texas, North Carolina and New Mexico.   During the first leg of my trip, I had dinner with Cordell Parvin, a mentor and friend.  Cordell was one of the top transportation construction lawyers in the country and he now acts as a marketing coach for lawyers.   In his book Prepare to Win: A Lawyer’s Guide to Rainmaking, Career Success and Life Fulfillment, Cordell described his personal journey of finding passion in his life as follows:

“I once did not give much thought to why I was practicing law.  I just got out of bed every day and did it.  I then went through a stage where it was all about me.  I focused on generating a lot of business and building my reputation.  When I stopped focusing on myself and instead concentrated on how to help my construction clients become successful, I actually became infinitely more successful.”

Although there are countless strategies and tips in Cordell’s book about what it takes to make rain in the legal industry, I found great wisdom that applies to family life.  You see, whether you are talking about a successful legal career, off-the-chart sales numbers, or a cohesive and fulfilling family life, you have to take the time to both plan and prepare for success.

PLANNING: For family success, planning involves taking the time to sit down and mapping out your family desires.  Why is family important?  What does it mean to have a fulfilled family life?  What things are preventing you from achieving those things?  After identifying where you want to be as a family, you have to set some goals.  As a busy father, these may look like the following:

• Over the next three months, I want to improve my communication with my wife.
• Over the next three months, I want to identify the love languages of each of my children.

I don’t have all the answers, but what I do have is a strong desire to change.  Will you engage in this exercise with me?  Will you take a few moments out of your weekend and identify where you can be a better spouse or parent?

PREPARING FOR RAIN: We cannot just stop at goal-making and wishful-thinking.  We have to then take the next step to prepare for a successful family.  In other words, you have to identify those things that are getting in the way of your goals and the things that will help you attain them.  Again, these may look something like the following:

• I am not going to turn on the television in the evening until after I had a conversation with my wife … a real conversation, too!
• Each Saturday afternoon, I am going to spend special time with a particular child while the others are napping.

My all time favorite football movie is Facing the Giants.  Looking to encourage the defeated coach with a  few words of wisdom, the local pastor in Facing the Giants recounts the following story:

“There were two farmers who desperately needed rain in a drought.  And both of them prayed for rain, but only one of them went out to plow his field to receive the rain.  Now, which farmer trusted and believed that God as going to send rain?”

In your family, are you preparing for rain? Unfortunately … and I know this for a fact … there is not a quick-and-easy formula that will lead to an overnight success.  If I had one final word of encourage … it would be to keep plowing ahead. You cannot be discouraged by the drought in either your marriage, relationship with your children, health, or even career.  I remember the late nights as a young attorney in Virginia.  I was often working past midnight and never saw my children.  I had a short temper.  I did not like who I was becoming.  Often I would climb into bed with my wife and groan, “I can’t do this any more.”  She would always whisper words of encouragement: “Honey, just a few more days and you will be prepared for this case.  And when you win, we can go celebrate as a family.”

I am in the process of writing a family plan.  While I do so, let me whisper in your ear:  Please join me … keep plowing ahead … keep preparing for the rain … you can make it.

For career development … Cordell Parvin is a fellow Richmond Spider (…although a few years before me…) and former construction attorney. I came across Cordell’s name about 6-7 years ago when I was contemplating a move to Dallas, Texas and I reached out to fellow law school alums. While that venture did not turn out, I have kept in touch with Cordell regularly through his books, blog, and Tweets. While you can find a lot by browsing his blog, my favorite year-end posts include:

• Why You Should Create a 2010 Plan … Cordell has a webinar on this topic today.
• Practical Tips on How to Do Year End Planning
• And today’s post about Planning at the 50,000 Foot Level

For balancing family and career and life … sure you have your Zig Ziglar’s, your John Maxwell’s, and even your Rick Warren’s … but my favorite, local, “living-life-right” model is Nashville’s own Michael Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing. I first started following Michael’s blog, Leading with Purpose, at the beginning of this year when I revved up my career planning and life assessment. Michael is a model husband-father-businessman-leader, who Tweets about leadership and life. Here are a few of my favorite posts, including the year-end assessment:

• Seven Questions to Ask about Last Year … the Year Ahead post is expected soon.
• Five Characteristics of Weak Leaders, which gives you a look at how not to lead.
• Two Approaches to Influencing the Family … notice that Michael likes numbers!

For sheer motivation … speaker and author Andy Andrew challenges you to evaluate the importance of halftime. As for me, this week is my “halftime” moment and the second half is about to begin. The year 2010 presents some great opportunities for my career, my family, my community and my church. How about you? I know. I have lived them, too. The past few years have been tough. But the best years lie ahead.

What are you going to do to make 2010 different? … or better yet … What are you going to do to make a difference in 2010?

One of my favorite leadership gurus, Michael Hyatt (CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing) posted a few good recommendations a couple months ago about using templates for greater efficiency. Michael wrote:

For years, I have used the concept of “templating” to improve my productivity. The idea is that you create a template for any task that you find yourself doing repeatedly. So instead of “reinventing the wheel” every time, you do it once, save it as a template, and then reuse it.

Michael described the way he processes the hundreds of emails in his in-box, including the use of templates to respond to personal meeting requests, book proposal requests, customer complaints, media inquiries and many others.

If you just stop reading here, you can walk away with a grand nugget of wisdom on how templates can improve your overall efficiency. However, I was thinking this morning about using templates for adversity … or for emergencies … or for conflict … or for any behavioral pattern that you experience. For example, there is a conflict in our house called “pre-teen attitude” that usually emits from my 11-yr old daughter and that often causes shortness or frustration in my words. Like the emails Michael talks about, I find that this situation is occurring repeatedly. Enter the template, where I plan for these events and map out my response. In this particular example, I am learning to not escalate the exchange of words with my daughter, but instead respond with a game plan.

Honey, I tell her, you know your mom and I do not allow that tone and disrespect in our house. Please go up to your room and come back when you are ready to talk in a better manner.

Of course, I meet resistance: But, Dad, I didn’t do anything wrong!

And, of course, I have prepared my response because this has happened before. Please go up to your room and we will talk later.

Almost every time that we have talked after the cool down period, we get to the heart of the problem. I can also say that almost every time that I don’t use my template for “pre-teen attitude,” we never get to the heart of the problem. Here are some tips for using templates for adversity:

1. Write out the top five events that occur repeatedly. These can include instances when you lose your cool, times when you get frustrated, or even those events that you know will occur often, such as getting ready for church on Sunday mornings. A few of mine include: (a) my children talk with disrespect to us; (b) my relationship with my wife is challenged when we are apart; and (c) my children have a strange attraction to emergency rooms.
2. For each event, write out the traditional behavioral pattern due to lack of planning. For instance, in my examples above, the events are generally riddled with either anger, frustration or anxiety if we don’t follow a plan.
3. Finally, create a new template for your adversities. This is often the easiest and the hardest part. It is easy because you often know what doesn’t work … that is, how you traditionally respond to the situation does not work. It is hard because it really takes some thinking and it may take you a few drafts before you get it right.

Since my children are prone to accident (… or perhaps it is because I have so many children …), we inevitably will spend one day in the emergency room or medical clinic every few months. If it is a cut, scrape, bleeding a little, cough, or puke, then my wife “may” call on the way to the doctor and I “may” meet them. If it is broken, bleeding a lot, or not breathing, then my wife drops the other kids at my parent’s house, she “will” call me, and I “will” meet her wherever. By preparing for these events, we save a lot of heart ache and hurtful words.

In what areas can templates improve your life?