Growing and Growing

We teach our kids about patience almost everyday.  Go ahead, ask them.  And if you do, you will hear them recite our family definition of patience: “Waiting for something you want without crying, complaining or getting angry.” From our oldest to the young toddler, they all know the definition.

But what happens when mom or dad are not patient? What happens when we cry, complain or get angry while we are waiting on something? We need to learn a lesson in patience.

We have had some major complications with our latest pregnancy.  Why am I saying we?  I mean, she.  If I could take away the pain from her, I would do it immediately.

But there she is, sitting up all night, wincing with each movement, mumbling and praying for an answer.  If I hear her, I roll over and place my hand on her shoulder.   I whisper, “What can I do?”

The silence tells me nothing.

Exhaustion turns to frustration, which turns to anger.  I’m whining, complaining and getting angry on the inside.  Every now and then it creeps out of my lips.  And I am reminded of my kids’ lesson on patience.

That sounds like good advice for a child wanting to tell you about their day the second you arrive home from work.  It can buy you a few more minutes until (or even postpone) the evening story because you are simply too tired.   Have you been there?  What can you do to find your own patience?

1. Time out. Not in the “punishment” manner, but in the “set yourself aside” and take a break from your circumstances.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as you pull your car into the driveway after a long day of work.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as the kids are whining about how hungry they are just before the meal is placed on the table.  No matter the circumstances, take a “time out” from the circumstance.
2. Meditate or pray. In his pain, King David was crying to the Lord with his voice?, and He answered from His holy mountain. Do you know what happened next?  David said, “I laid down and slept. I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.”  (Ps 3:4-5)  David could have had sleepless nights, but in his rebellion he slept peacefully because he prayed to the Lord, and those prayers were answered.
3. Substitute your wait. Accept the fact that patience requires a time of waiting.  If you expect, plan and prepare for that time of waiting, you can begin to avoid the onset of complaints or anger.  For our children, it means offering them an alternative to whining as they wait for dinner, such as: “Sweetie, I want you think of the story you are going to share with the family during dinner time.  That will give Mommy time to finish preparing the food.”  The same goes for us.

Question: When are you most impatient? What do you do to find comfort?

Image: Alexis Tejada

A few weeks ago, I heard a Jewish reading about giving:

THERE ARE eight degrees in the giving of Tsedakah, each one higher than the next:

to give grudgingly, reluctantly, or with regret;

to give less than one should, but with grace;

to give what one should, but only after being asked;

to give before one is asked;

to give without knowing who will receive it, although the recipient
knows the identity of the giver;

to give without making known one’s identity;

to give so that neither giver nor receiver knows the identity of the other;

to help another to become self-supporting, by means of a gift, a loan,
or by finding employment for the one in need.

When I look at my personal “giving” … I feel so inadequate.  I am certainly doing more than some, but way less than others.  My desire, though, is to help others become self-supporting.  What are you giving?

You may think that life in our family is great … just look at our family picture … no problems there, right?  Wrong! You probably remember my grumpy dreams about a lot of stresses in our life.  There’s a big reason why I have been able to post recently, too.  I am simply overwhelmed.

How do you get back on track when feel that your life has been derailed? That’s a lesson for another day … as I am in the process of getting there myself.  But what is important to learn as a dad, husband, and leader is that you should not break your loved ones as you work to get back on track.  Let me explain:

We have a teenager.  Years ago, this teenager pleaded with us to get a cat.  I said no.  Wife said yes.  We have a cat.

Recently … almost a full year now … the teenager has been neglecting her litter-box-changing-duties.  And if the box is too full, the cat likes to use my closet as its own personal outhouse.  Well, recently I came home to find another fresh, smelly “leftover” left over in my closet.

I lost it! Not the cat, but my patience!

I yelled.  I yelled loudly.

Moments later, I was crushed because I knew that I had crushed someone else’s spirit.  Yeah, you know, that teenager who begged me for the cat was broken … by me.  I cannot described how terrible I felt.  It was like the “bad man” in You just broke your child. Congratulations … If you have not read Dan’s post, it is well worth the read.

While I could go on, and on, and on, about what to do when your kid’s cat poops in your closet, the real lesson is … don’t break your child while working through the conflict.

Image: Stephen Baack

I am in the midst of a speaking extravaganza … speaking at construction conferences in Texas, North Carolina and New Mexico.   During the first leg of my trip, I had dinner with Cordell Parvin, a mentor and friend.  Cordell was one of the top transportation construction lawyers in the country and he now acts as a marketing coach for lawyers.   In his book Prepare to Win: A Lawyer’s Guide to Rainmaking, Career Success and Life Fulfillment, Cordell described his personal journey of finding passion in his life as follows:

“I once did not give much thought to why I was practicing law.  I just got out of bed every day and did it.  I then went through a stage where it was all about me.  I focused on generating a lot of business and building my reputation.  When I stopped focusing on myself and instead concentrated on how to help my construction clients become successful, I actually became infinitely more successful.”

Although there are countless strategies and tips in Cordell’s book about what it takes to make rain in the legal industry, I found great wisdom that applies to family life.  You see, whether you are talking about a successful legal career, off-the-chart sales numbers, or a cohesive and fulfilling family life, you have to take the time to both plan and prepare for success.

PLANNING: For family success, planning involves taking the time to sit down and mapping out your family desires.  Why is family important?  What does it mean to have a fulfilled family life?  What things are preventing you from achieving those things?  After identifying where you want to be as a family, you have to set some goals.  As a busy father, these may look like the following:

• Over the next three months, I want to improve my communication with my wife.
• Over the next three months, I want to identify the love languages of each of my children.

I don’t have all the answers, but what I do have is a strong desire to change.  Will you engage in this exercise with me?  Will you take a few moments out of your weekend and identify where you can be a better spouse or parent?

PREPARING FOR RAIN: We cannot just stop at goal-making and wishful-thinking.  We have to then take the next step to prepare for a successful family.  In other words, you have to identify those things that are getting in the way of your goals and the things that will help you attain them.  Again, these may look something like the following:

• I am not going to turn on the television in the evening until after I had a conversation with my wife … a real conversation, too!
• Each Saturday afternoon, I am going to spend special time with a particular child while the others are napping.

My all time favorite football movie is Facing the Giants.  Looking to encourage the defeated coach with a  few words of wisdom, the local pastor in Facing the Giants recounts the following story:

“There were two farmers who desperately needed rain in a drought.  And both of them prayed for rain, but only one of them went out to plow his field to receive the rain.  Now, which farmer trusted and believed that God as going to send rain?”

In your family, are you preparing for rain? Unfortunately … and I know this for a fact … there is not a quick-and-easy formula that will lead to an overnight success.  If I had one final word of encourage … it would be to keep plowing ahead. You cannot be discouraged by the drought in either your marriage, relationship with your children, health, or even career.  I remember the late nights as a young attorney in Virginia.  I was often working past midnight and never saw my children.  I had a short temper.  I did not like who I was becoming.  Often I would climb into bed with my wife and groan, “I can’t do this any more.”  She would always whisper words of encouragement: “Honey, just a few more days and you will be prepared for this case.  And when you win, we can go celebrate as a family.”

I am in the process of writing a family plan.  While I do so, let me whisper in your ear:  Please join me … keep plowing ahead … keep preparing for the rain … you can make it.

For our non-Twitter, non-Facebook, non-LinkedIn friends … click here for more pics!

Actually, he has been given clearance to drive a regular car. After taking and passing various tests given by the rehabilitation center, Dad can drive with a few limitations. (Mom is not so psyched, but she’ll come around.)

So … while Dad is not 100% … he is getting closer.

There does not appear to be enough time during the day to get it all done. I wonder how the John Maxwell’s, Zig Ziglar’s, Dave Ramsey’s, or Dennis Rainey’s get it done on their end?

Okay. Now that I got that out of the way, I want to tell you about something real important. It is about a family in the south Nashville area that may not have Christmas this year. Well, that was almost true until our church got involved. I spoke with the mom of this family today. I could hear the tears of joy as I explained what we proposed to do: “We want to come along side your family and help brighten your holidays.”

I proceeded to ask about the three children (ages 2, 5, 17). I asked about her husband. I asked about books. I asked about games. I asked about clothes. I asked about household items. I asked about food.

Yes. We can help this family. We already have over 25 volunteers … to help make food (BAKERS) … to help buy clothes and gifts (BUYERS) … and to help pay some bills (BANKERS). Do you live in the Nashville area and want to help this family? Do you live outside the Nashville area and want to help this family? Either way, let me know.

Be a baker, buyer, or banker!

Photo: Flickr foxypar4

While I have found the world to be full of opportunities to mentor someone else, the task becomes overwhelming to find yourself a mentor. Imagine my surprise two weeks ago when I learned that Michael Hyatt, CEO of Nelson Publishing, sent out an invitation to be a part of his mentoring group. If you live in the Nashville area and want to be considered for this amazing (yet challenging) task, please fill out an application. It will take about 30 minutes.

And now, @MichaelHyatt, here is my pitch. First, do I qualify? Yep.

• Resident of the greater Nashville … CHECK … just moved here in 2006.
• Devoted follower of Jesus Christ … CHECK … without quibble or reservation.
• Broken men, who are hungry for growth … CHECK … I am that “overwhelmed” family guy being pulled in too many directions, which causes conflict in my marriage, with my children, at my church, and through my job.
• Married career man who are in their late 20s or 30s … CHECK … although my bones feel as if I am 80.
• If already parents, children under 12 … CHECK … luckily Michael did not put a limit on the number of children (…whew…)
• Humble men, willing to look at themselves in the mirror and make changes to improve, and, at the same time willing to accept direct, personal, and comprehensive feedback without being defensive … CHECK … just read about why my daughter called me a Stupid King or why my other daughter asked about my yelling. Ouch.
• Willingness to replicate the mentoring process at least once with eight other men sometime in the future … CHECK … I’m a big fan of Pay It Forward (…Ask me one day about how I got to law school …)

While I qualify, am I the right person? Yes. My wife and I often joke about my wasted potential. Sure, I am doing okay as a provider, husband and father. But “okay” is not good enough. I want—and I think God expects—excellence. Not perfection, but excellence. While I have the heart desire to fulfill my potential … well … I’ll just say it … I lack the tools to get there.

Michael, I have too many balls in the air. Every other day a ball drops. I stop. I pray (sometimes). I pick up the ball and start over. I don’t think the answer is to get rid of those balls. I need you to teach me how to juggle.