Growing and Growing

It’s no secret that the words you use with your spouse or children have a tremendous impact on your relationship with them.  But did you know that the tones you use or the looks you cast have the same meaningful impact?

As I was hanging an over-sized dry erase board this evening, I gathered all the right tools to make it a quick install: the stud-finder, the large level, the tape measure, the drill, and a handful of screws with washers.  I was marking the wall with the stud-finder, a nifty little grown-up toy that caught Dylan’s attention.  As I got the first few screws in place, Dylan broke the silence.

“Dad?”

“Yeeeeeesssss, Dylan?” I snarled back, eye brows pitched and eyes rolling.

“Um … Nevermind.”

I looked down at him and saw that I had changed his entire thought process with two small words, stated angrily, coupled with a facial expression that crushed his enthusiasm.  I had to act quickly.  I jumped down from the step stool, dropped the drill and got in his face with a smile: “What do you want, son?”

“Nevermind, Dad.”

Was I too late? Did I truly steal his question from him?

“Dylan, I am sorry.  This project is not more important than you.  Your question matters to me.  You matter to me.  What did you want to ask me?”

“It’s no big deal. I just wanted to know how that thing finds wood behind the wall.  That’s all.”

“That is a big deal … and a great question!  I am sorry I tried to steal that question from you.”

We spent the next 15 minutes laughing and giggling about the stud-finder.  It was close, but I almost put another wedge between me and another kid in my family.  I’m good at that … are you?   As you think about your words, tones and looks, remember these tips:

1. Words are alive.  When I think about the negative words I use with my spouse or kids, my mind often flashes to my dad and his father, who chastised dad every time he spilled his milk as a child.  It became a prophecy of milk-spilling because my dad had heard those words so many times.  Those words from granddad were alive…they pierced my dad’s young mind and heart…and they grew inside him like a tumor.
2. Tones and looks change the words.  You can say the same word, “Yes”, with 20 different tones and have 20 different meanings.  You can roll your eyes with sarcasm or gaze softly, each sending a distinct message.  People easily pick up on your tone and if they think you are unapproachable, they will stop approaching you.
3. All of them are game-changers.  Negative words are discouraging and positive words are encouraging.  When you realize that your words, tones and looks can tear down your spouse or children, as well as build them up, there is not much of a choice to make.  Proverbs 17:22 says that a “joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.“

Which do you want?  You can make a difference.  You really can be that parent who runs up and down the soccer field screaming “Go! Go! Go!”  You really can be the spouse who says, “Great job with the kids today. I know it’s hard, but great job.”  To be joyful is to be ready to spread encouragement, enthusiasm and positive words to others.  Are you game?

We teach our kids about patience almost everyday.  Go ahead, ask them.  And if you do, you will hear them recite our family definition of patience: “Waiting for something you want without crying, complaining or getting angry.” From our oldest to the young toddler, they all know the definition.

But what happens when mom or dad are not patient? What happens when we cry, complain or get angry while we are waiting on something? We need to learn a lesson in patience.

We have had some major complications with our latest pregnancy.  Why am I saying we?  I mean, she.  If I could take away the pain from her, I would do it immediately.

But there she is, sitting up all night, wincing with each movement, mumbling and praying for an answer.  If I hear her, I roll over and place my hand on her shoulder.   I whisper, “What can I do?”

The silence tells me nothing.

Exhaustion turns to frustration, which turns to anger.  I’m whining, complaining and getting angry on the inside.  Every now and then it creeps out of my lips.  And I am reminded of my kids’ lesson on patience.

That sounds like good advice for a child wanting to tell you about their day the second you arrive home from work.  It can buy you a few more minutes until (or even postpone) the evening story because you are simply too tired.   Have you been there?  What can you do to find your own patience?

1. Time out. Not in the “punishment” manner, but in the “set yourself aside” and take a break from your circumstances.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as you pull your car into the driveway after a long day of work.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as the kids are whining about how hungry they are just before the meal is placed on the table.  No matter the circumstances, take a “time out” from the circumstance.
2. Meditate or pray. In his pain, King David was crying to the Lord with his voice?, and He answered from His holy mountain. Do you know what happened next?  David said, “I laid down and slept. I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.”  (Ps 3:4-5)  David could have had sleepless nights, but in his rebellion he slept peacefully because he prayed to the Lord, and those prayers were answered.
3. Substitute your wait. Accept the fact that patience requires a time of waiting.  If you expect, plan and prepare for that time of waiting, you can begin to avoid the onset of complaints or anger.  For our children, it means offering them an alternative to whining as they wait for dinner, such as: “Sweetie, I want you think of the story you are going to share with the family during dinner time.  That will give Mommy time to finish preparing the food.”  The same goes for us.

Question: When are you most impatient? What do you do to find comfort?

Image: Alexis Tejada

Surrounded by family and friends this afternoon, I found a moment of reflection in the front yard. A cool breeze. A child’s laugh. A calm minute. A good day.

I have so much to be thankful for today. I received a note from Scott about his son Cooper. Dylan and Cooper were soccer teammates a few years ago when Cooper was diagnosed with cancer. Today was a good day for Scott, too:

I wanted to share with everyone a quick emotional story about Cooper on Monday night of this week.  As you know Cooper is playing T-Ball this year.  On Monday night he and Blake both had games at the same time.  I coach Blakes team and help with Coopers.  So he asked me to come to this game so I did.

On the way over he talked about his leg hurting from playing at school.  He suffers from leg pain due to the radiation so when he has activties he will be in pain at times.  So we stopped and got some childrens Tylenol for the game.  I asked him if he wanted to not play and he said  “dad I am the leader of the team and I have to play”   So he did …

At his first at bat he crushed one past 3rd base (now in t-ball that is a homerun normally).  He could barley make it to first because his leg was hurting so bad.  I had to go carry him off the field.  So I was packing his stuff and he asked me “are we going home” I said yes Cooper and he started crying.   “I want to play”   so we  waited a minute or two.  I went to get him some water and he was gone on the field running and having fun with his teammates.

At the end of the game the coach gave him the game ball and at that point all of his pain went away.  As we are walking to the car he goes “dad are you proud of me” and a big tear rolled down my eye and I said “cooper you are my hero dude” so we took this pciture and look at that smile and hair !!!!!!!!

We have a phrase in our kitchen that says:  “enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things”   this was one of those moments.

Have a great Easter and hug your kids today !!!!

Thanks for the reminder, Scott.

A few weeks ago, I heard a Jewish reading about giving:

THERE ARE eight degrees in the giving of Tsedakah, each one higher than the next:

to give grudgingly, reluctantly, or with regret;

to give less than one should, but with grace;

to give what one should, but only after being asked;

to give before one is asked;

to give without knowing who will receive it, although the recipient
knows the identity of the giver;

to give without making known one’s identity;

to give so that neither giver nor receiver knows the identity of the other;

to help another to become self-supporting, by means of a gift, a loan,
or by finding employment for the one in need.

When I look at my personal “giving” … I feel so inadequate.  I am certainly doing more than some, but way less than others.  My desire, though, is to help others become self-supporting.  What are you giving?

You may think that life in our family is great … just look at our family picture … no problems there, right?  Wrong! You probably remember my grumpy dreams about a lot of stresses in our life.  There’s a big reason why I have been able to post recently, too.  I am simply overwhelmed.

How do you get back on track when feel that your life has been derailed? That’s a lesson for another day … as I am in the process of getting there myself.  But what is important to learn as a dad, husband, and leader is that you should not break your loved ones as you work to get back on track.  Let me explain:

We have a teenager.  Years ago, this teenager pleaded with us to get a cat.  I said no.  Wife said yes.  We have a cat.

Recently … almost a full year now … the teenager has been neglecting her litter-box-changing-duties.  And if the box is too full, the cat likes to use my closet as its own personal outhouse.  Well, recently I came home to find another fresh, smelly “leftover” left over in my closet.

I lost it! Not the cat, but my patience!

I yelled.  I yelled loudly.

Moments later, I was crushed because I knew that I had crushed someone else’s spirit.  Yeah, you know, that teenager who begged me for the cat was broken … by me.  I cannot described how terrible I felt.  It was like the “bad man” in You just broke your child. Congratulations … If you have not read Dan’s post, it is well worth the read.

While I could go on, and on, and on, about what to do when your kid’s cat poops in your closet, the real lesson is … don’t break your child while working through the conflict.

Image: Stephen Baack

I am in the midst of a speaking extravaganza … speaking at construction conferences in Texas, North Carolina and New Mexico.   During the first leg of my trip, I had dinner with Cordell Parvin, a mentor and friend.  Cordell was one of the top transportation construction lawyers in the country and he now acts as a marketing coach for lawyers.   In his book Prepare to Win: A Lawyer’s Guide to Rainmaking, Career Success and Life Fulfillment, Cordell described his personal journey of finding passion in his life as follows:

“I once did not give much thought to why I was practicing law.  I just got out of bed every day and did it.  I then went through a stage where it was all about me.  I focused on generating a lot of business and building my reputation.  When I stopped focusing on myself and instead concentrated on how to help my construction clients become successful, I actually became infinitely more successful.”

Although there are countless strategies and tips in Cordell’s book about what it takes to make rain in the legal industry, I found great wisdom that applies to family life.  You see, whether you are talking about a successful legal career, off-the-chart sales numbers, or a cohesive and fulfilling family life, you have to take the time to both plan and prepare for success.

PLANNING: For family success, planning involves taking the time to sit down and mapping out your family desires.  Why is family important?  What does it mean to have a fulfilled family life?  What things are preventing you from achieving those things?  After identifying where you want to be as a family, you have to set some goals.  As a busy father, these may look like the following:

• Over the next three months, I want to improve my communication with my wife.
• Over the next three months, I want to identify the love languages of each of my children.

I don’t have all the answers, but what I do have is a strong desire to change.  Will you engage in this exercise with me?  Will you take a few moments out of your weekend and identify where you can be a better spouse or parent?

PREPARING FOR RAIN: We cannot just stop at goal-making and wishful-thinking.  We have to then take the next step to prepare for a successful family.  In other words, you have to identify those things that are getting in the way of your goals and the things that will help you attain them.  Again, these may look something like the following:

• I am not going to turn on the television in the evening until after I had a conversation with my wife … a real conversation, too!
• Each Saturday afternoon, I am going to spend special time with a particular child while the others are napping.

My all time favorite football movie is Facing the Giants.  Looking to encourage the defeated coach with a  few words of wisdom, the local pastor in Facing the Giants recounts the following story:

“There were two farmers who desperately needed rain in a drought.  And both of them prayed for rain, but only one of them went out to plow his field to receive the rain.  Now, which farmer trusted and believed that God as going to send rain?”

In your family, are you preparing for rain? Unfortunately … and I know this for a fact … there is not a quick-and-easy formula that will lead to an overnight success.  If I had one final word of encourage … it would be to keep plowing ahead. You cannot be discouraged by the drought in either your marriage, relationship with your children, health, or even career.  I remember the late nights as a young attorney in Virginia.  I was often working past midnight and never saw my children.  I had a short temper.  I did not like who I was becoming.  Often I would climb into bed with my wife and groan, “I can’t do this any more.”  She would always whisper words of encouragement: “Honey, just a few more days and you will be prepared for this case.  And when you win, we can go celebrate as a family.”

I am in the process of writing a family plan.  While I do so, let me whisper in your ear:  Please join me … keep plowing ahead … keep preparing for the rain … you can make it.

Today, Ron Edmondson asked, “What’s your dream?“  Why was he asking this question?  Ron writes:

Recently I was encouraged again reading the story of Nehemiah. Nehemiah accomplished his God-given dream by prayer and action. Consider Nehemiah 4:9: “And we prayed to our God and set a guard as a protection against them day and night.” Nehemiah depended on God for protection and strength, but he took the actions he knew to take.

Ron then asked his readers to finish the following sentence:

“If money, time or other restrictions were not an issue, I would __________________________.”

Ron, if money, time or other restrictions were not an issue, I would spend every waking moment playing with my kids, dating my wife, writing top-selling books, feeding the hungry, encouraging the lonely, entertaining the world, cooking first class meals, traveling the world, speaking to anyone who’d listen, training future leaders, praying for repentance, singing (awfully) songs of joy, and blogging my every thought. In the absence of time limitations, I could go on forever with my list Ron … but …

Alas, I must get back to work!

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