Growing and Growing

My wife would kill me if she knew that I was telling you this. Don’t tell her! (… please …) That’s right, I am going to tell you about discipline and training and chuck.

All afternoon yesterday, my little Addy (4yr) was not feeling well. She had already gotten sick once in the car, had a shower, and spent the evening on the couch. Although we probably surmised that more food might make her sick, she ate dinner nonetheless. Wasn’t that bad … oatmeal. How hard can that ol‘ quaker dude be on your stomach anyway?

Fast forward two hours. Cough. Cough. Scream. Cough. Gurgle. Gurgle.

I ran into Addy’s room. She was crying … but not talking. She had her hands cupped around her mouth. I ran to her bed and saw that she was gagging. She did not want to get sick in her bed.

I scooped her up in my arms and cradled her to the bathroom. She could have let go. But she did not. Her small, cupping hands held tight to her mouth. As I sat her down on the ground near the toilet, she aimed …. and released. Good girl.

You may find this disgusting, but I was one proud pop. Did you see that? She held tight until she was in the clear. She did not want to get sick in her bed. She did not want to get sick on her Dad. She waited until she could get sick where sick belonged.

We (… I mean my wife … ) wiped her brow, cleaned her mouth, bathed her, and set her back into bed. Although we had already prayed once, I would later return to Addy’s room for an extra prayer. Can’t have too many, right?

As I walked out into the dark hallway, I looked over my shoulder to the motionless body. That’s what I call disciplined. To us, discipline is everything you put into children that influences how they will fare in the real world. Perhaps out of cleanliness … perhaps out of laziness … perhaps out of leadership … but we have always trained our children (no matter what age) to hold their sickness until they can get to a bathroom. Addy, in her moment of sickness and nausea, could have reacted so many different ways. But she chose to hold on and get sick where sick belonged.

Is that disgusting? Maybe. Are we mean parents? Probably. Is there a lesson in all this talk? Yes. If God can use an evening of sickness to show me that training really does make a difference, then perhaps He can impress upon your mind: “Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

I am sure you have seen many dancing babies before. I am sure you have heard of Greatest Hits of the 80s. But have you seen my baby dancing to the greatest hits of the 80s?

I am going to feature a new dance every few days. Here is the album song list. If you wanna play director, send me your requests.

I really don’t like pets. Cats. Dogs. Mice. Hermit Crabs. Upon further reflection, I like pets …. I just don’t like children who don’t take care of their own pets. You know what I’m saying?

Let me tell you about my friend’s daughter, who has her own thoughts about pets. We were at a birthday party when her dad expressly told her that she had to eat 1/2 hamburger before she got a cupcake. Okay. That’s not so bad, right?

As my friend walked away, I sat there watching this precious little girl munch down her chips and beans. She picked at the burger. I glanced as she pushed that burnt crusty patty around her plate. With a snooty look on her face, the burger fell right on the ground. She looked around. My eyes darted to the left. Whew…she did not see me.

Enter the cat. This mangled, dusty and probably starving cat sprinted to the burger on the ground and began feasting. The little girl watched. I watched. (I am trying to control my laughter already.)

The cat had just finished its all-you-can-eat-burnt-patty-buffet when the dad returned. I know we teach our kids not to be a tattletale, but I could not resist. “Hey man, your kid just dropped her burger on the ground and let the cat eat it all.”

The blood vessels pumped. The sweat trickled. The inquisition began:

Him: “Baby, did you eat your burger?”
Her: (Pause) … “No.”
Him: “Do you remember what I told you about the cupcake?”
Her: (Pause) … “Yes.”
Him: “So, you know that you are not going to get a cupcake until you eat a burger?”
Her: (Pause) … “Yes.”
Him: “What, then, do you have to do now?”
Her: (Pause) … (Pause) … (Pause)… “Eat the cat?”

She said, EAT THE CAT! Too funny.

As parents, we can only teach our children the many lessons of life. Know the difference between right and wrong. Do right. Don’t do wrong. Help others. Give more than you receive. Put the toilet seat down. Despite all the teaching, we can never fully prepare ourselves for what our children will say. What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard a kid say?

This weekend someone told me: “You’re not right! …. We still gonna be your friend, but you ain’t right!”

For the record, that is not me (above). That is someone else who is not right! Every time some says that I am not right, I generally embrace it. I love my ain’t-right-ness.

Upon further reflection, I wanna know who came up with right-ness anyway? It certainly wasn’t Matthew Paul Turner: THAT GUY IS NOT RIGHT! (…Something tells me that Matt loves his ain’t-right-ness, too…) Now that I pointed you to Matt’s site, I am sure that I will offend any number of you, which, again, makes me not right in your eyes. Well, here are a few of my top That’sNotRight for the week:

1. Jesus Pics of the Day … by Matt … again … good one!
2. Conservatives for Palin … Are there any others?
3. Twitter + God = ChristianChirp.com. Apparently, some hackers shut it down, perhaps thinking it wasn’t right either.

After checking out these sites, if you think I am not right (…and assume that I am not right…), then think about what I think about you. You laughed at least once. You ain’t right, either!

I cannot remember an October 31 that I did not go trick-or-treating as a child. In fact, I had it down to a science: (1) Costume was just that … a prop … to get candy; (2) Pillowcase to store the mounds of treats; (3) Eat a few during the trick-or-treat ritual, but mostly save them for trading; and (4) Get back to the house, organize candy, make an inventory list, and start trading away!

Up until last year, I had never thought that it would be different for my five children: dress them up, parade through the streets, over-indulge in candy, come home and pass out from a sugar high.

But aren’t we called to be different than the World? You can Google the phrase “Christians and Halloween” and get hundreds of articles on whether we should celebrate this once-a-year phenomenon. One author for a leading evangelist concluded that “Halloween is a real, sacred day for those who follow Wicca.” Another leading Christian site goes so far as to say that it is “closely connected with the worship of … Satan.”

I am not sure I am willing to go that far. For me, the real source is not Google or what other Christians may be saying or even what other people may be saying about what other Christians are saying. For me, answer comes from the Word:

Don’t participate in the things these people do. For though your hearts were once full of darkness, now you are full of light from the Lord, and your behavior should show it! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Try to find out what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, rebuke and expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. (NLT) Ephesians 5:7-12

Where does that leave us? Am I cancelling Halloween this year? Kinda-Sorta. Here is my response to you and to my kids:

• Make it a personal decision. I think this is an issue of studying the scriptures yourself and following your own convictions. As long as your decision is based upon the Word (… as opposed to the World … ), then stick with it.
• Make it a family celebration. We will continue to make this a special time for our kids. Traditionally, we have gone to my parents’ neighborhood for a parade, chili cook-off, and then the obligatory candy-begging.
• Make your own costumes. While we love hitting the ‘mart for the weekly special, we have decided that the kids can dress up as long as they make their own costumes. We will, of course, help them with materials. But this is supposed to be a time of fun and imagination. Other ground rules: no witches, no ghouls, no devils, and absolutely no Britney’s!
• Make use of your collections. All that candy and what to do? This year, we are going to make use of our kids’ bounty. There are a number causes out there that we can support and we want to use our Kinda-Sorta-Halloween as a time to help others, whether it is care packages for the military, prison ministries, or local children’s groups.

One of my favorite leadership gurus, Michael Hyatt (CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing) posted a few good recommendations a couple months ago about using templates for greater efficiency. Michael wrote:

For years, I have used the concept of “templating” to improve my productivity. The idea is that you create a template for any task that you find yourself doing repeatedly. So instead of “reinventing the wheel” every time, you do it once, save it as a template, and then reuse it.

Michael described the way he processes the hundreds of emails in his in-box, including the use of templates to respond to personal meeting requests, book proposal requests, customer complaints, media inquiries and many others.

If you just stop reading here, you can walk away with a grand nugget of wisdom on how templates can improve your overall efficiency. However, I was thinking this morning about using templates for adversity … or for emergencies … or for conflict … or for any behavioral pattern that you experience. For example, there is a conflict in our house called “pre-teen attitude” that usually emits from my 11-yr old daughter and that often causes shortness or frustration in my words. Like the emails Michael talks about, I find that this situation is occurring repeatedly. Enter the template, where I plan for these events and map out my response. In this particular example, I am learning to not escalate the exchange of words with my daughter, but instead respond with a game plan.

Honey, I tell her, you know your mom and I do not allow that tone and disrespect in our house. Please go up to your room and come back when you are ready to talk in a better manner.

Of course, I meet resistance: But, Dad, I didn’t do anything wrong!

And, of course, I have prepared my response because this has happened before. Please go up to your room and we will talk later.

Almost every time that we have talked after the cool down period, we get to the heart of the problem. I can also say that almost every time that I don’t use my template for “pre-teen attitude,” we never get to the heart of the problem. Here are some tips for using templates for adversity:

1. Write out the top five events that occur repeatedly. These can include instances when you lose your cool, times when you get frustrated, or even those events that you know will occur often, such as getting ready for church on Sunday mornings. A few of mine include: (a) my children talk with disrespect to us; (b) my relationship with my wife is challenged when we are apart; and (c) my children have a strange attraction to emergency rooms.
2. For each event, write out the traditional behavioral pattern due to lack of planning. For instance, in my examples above, the events are generally riddled with either anger, frustration or anxiety if we don’t follow a plan.
3. Finally, create a new template for your adversities. This is often the easiest and the hardest part. It is easy because you often know what doesn’t work … that is, how you traditionally respond to the situation does not work. It is hard because it really takes some thinking and it may take you a few drafts before you get it right.

Since my children are prone to accident (… or perhaps it is because I have so many children …), we inevitably will spend one day in the emergency room or medical clinic every few months. If it is a cut, scrape, bleeding a little, cough, or puke, then my wife “may” call on the way to the doctor and I “may” meet them. If it is broken, bleeding a lot, or not breathing, then my wife drops the other kids at my parent’s house, she “will” call me, and I “will” meet her wherever. By preparing for these events, we save a lot of heart ache and hurtful words.

In what areas can templates improve your life?

As I was putting on my socks this morning, I noticed they were turned inside-out. Since my wife was getting dressed at the same time, and knowing she just did laundry yesterday (…thank you sweetie…), I decided to push a few buttons:

Hey, sweetie, these socks are turned inside-out.

Yes? … Her tone looped up like the climb on a roller coaster. She thought I was going to blame or criticize or critique her laundry cleaning skills. As if?

Well, I was just wondering, do you think anyone will know if my socks are inside-out? I mean, how many people actually look at your socks? Even if they do, will they be able to tell the little gray dots with strings should be on the inside? Besides, I already have one sock on my foot. I will fix the other one, but not this one. There’s no way anyone can tell, right?

She paused … God sees your laziness.

I guess she had me there. Every time I want to take a short cut (at work, at play, with the kids, you name it), I often forget to realize that “Excellence” (not to be interpreted as “perfection”) should be my standard. Talking about goal-setting today in his newsletter, Chris Brogan said it this way:

Your only competition is you. When you look to succeed, measure against yourself. It’s okay to take a quick peek at someone else to get a gauge of where you stand in comparison, but then throw that information aside and measure where you are NOW and where you want to be in 3 months, six months, a year.

You know, he’s right: my only competition is me. Whether the issue is parenting, loving my spouse, having a good work ethic, finishing a report on time, etc., I am generally my greatest hurdle to overcome. When I say “I” … I usually mean my “laziness” or “procrastination.” When you fail to achieve your goals, what does God see? Laziness? Lack of planning? Anger? Low self esteem?
I am … and you are … called to excellence. Turn those socks right side!

As you can see, I have made some changes here. Every day that goes by, I am challenged more and more.

When I started this website, it was fivedevries.com … then wife got sick, got big, and screamed … and it then was sixdevries.com … then wife got sick, got big, and screamed … and it is was sevendevries.com … no, wait, there is a trend going on there … look to the future … don’t keep buying domain names with each scream … buy growingandgrowing.com …

Over the past year, you have been a part of our family as my dad was involved in a near fatal car accident, you have read about many GodThruMan moments (…where God works through man to demonstrate His existence, presence or power…), and you’ve experienced the joy of two parents when their little boy finds a Savior. We’ve even had logo contests for some great T-Shirts about praying for Dad.

Over the next year, I hope that you will continue to be part of our family. As we grow mightily and learn to prevail … my hope is that you grow mightily and prevail, too! How can you help? Right now, if you are a designer or tech-nut or thinker, please take your shot at creating a new website logo for growingandgrowing.com. Acts 19:20 tells us that “…the word of the Lord was growing mightily and prevailing.” And that’s what we want to do: spread the Word so that He becomes mighty and prevails! Let us know if you have any ideas.

The winner will receive lights, fame, glory … and a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant. (Your choice.)

Photo: Technowannabe

I received Chris Brogan’s e-newsletter this morning and was lead to Mark Horvath’s Invisible People, a project that gives voices to the homeless across the country. This one caught my eye … and mind … and heart:

(Rashid from InvisiblePeople.tv on Vimeo) Rashid is no different that you and me. In fact, he’s got about 12 years more in the working world than I do. Despite his circumstances … amazing indeed … Rashid still finds the passion to be kind to others. How about you? Can you make a difference? Yep.

If you live in the Nashville area, Lambscroft Ministries and Woodbine Cumberland Presbyterian Church provide food, shelter and a hot shower two nights a week to some of friends without homes. What can you do to help?

• Come eat a meal with our friends
• Come watch a movie with our friends
• Come talk with our friends
• Come read a story or share a bible study with our friends
• Make a meal for our friends (Wednesday or Saturday … email Pat DeVries)
• Bring some new socks, jackets or blankets

I’ve had my doubts and concerns about helping others when I had an extra two (not three) cinnamon rolls. But it wasn’t that hard once … once … once you just reach out your hand to help another. You can make a difference.

Many of you know about my desire to write and publish the accounts of a “family living on the fence” and what it takes to find God’s greener pastures … or about the ViolentSilence that sent a crushed man of God to the TraumaCondo on an early Saturday morning. Given my renewed passion for completing these works, I was excited to learn that best-selling author Ann Patchett was speaking at our downtown Exchange Club of Nashville luncheon on Tuesday. Her topic: the “business” of a writer.

Since Patchett was talking to a group of local bankers, professionals and businessmen, she felt compelled to speak … not about her literary works … but about her business experiences as a published author. She spoke about the process of finding a literary agent, shopping a publisher, and negotiating every imaginable royalty. Patchett explained that authors receive additional royalties for the books sold following the “earn out” of an advance. She had the crowd laughing gleefully when she shared her Top Things an Author Does Not Want to Hear from a Fan, including:

• “I just bought the latest paperback edition of your book!”
• “You won’t believe this … I was on the waiting list at the local library for three months for your most recent book.”
• “I borrowed a copy of your book from a friend and it was great!”

During the Q&A period, I asked Patchett what she thought of self-publishing, particularly given the same day announcement from Thomas Nelson about a new division called WestBow Press, which will offer self-publishing services. Her response:

Self-publishing is a lot like “representing yourself in court without an attorney … (audience laughs) … while giving yourself an appendectomy … (more laughs)…“

Certainly Patchett did not know I was an attorney or that I have represented myself in court on a few “alleged” violations of the local traffic laws. And while I do not intend to perform any medical surgeries to remove my own body parts, I am not sure that I would flush the self-publishing option. Although he has a dog in this fight, Michael Hyatt raises some valid points about non-traditional reasons for self-publishing. And so does author Carol Hoenig.

Photo: Diego DeNicola